When You Can’t Figure Out The Reason For Your Breakup
“Sometimes, two people can put all they have into each other and it still doesn’t work out the way they always wanted it to.” — Jenna Reed in Millennials of Michigan, Odyssey
So you just broke up.
“He is too needy.”
“She is inconsiderate.”
“He is too _______.”
“She is not enough _______.”
We seek answers to our romantic dilemmas and separations as if the outcome of our relationships can be justified through a plausible and theoretical equation; because of Reason A, Reason B occurs. Sometimes there are reasons; there are explanations for the ending of a relationship.
However, a greater truth that individuals in seemingly healthy and loving partnerships often have a hard time accepting is that sometimes, there really is not a piece of hard, set-in evidence, concrete “reason” — no one cheated, no one lied, no one is selfish, or needy, or dismissive. Both parties in the relationship are lovable, caring, considerate, wonderful people. How does this even make sense? How is it possible to have a breakup without a reason?
As I reach the mid-peak of my twenties, I am quite fluent in breaking up with romantic partners.
The reasons my initial relationships would end: because my boyfriend is a flake, he is too erratic, he is too hung up on his ex, or he did not put our relationship as a priority in his life.
There is always a reason the partnership ended, a reason that I either place upon my partner, or a reason that I place upon myself. I can always justify the breakup with an explanation.
As I gain more dating experience, I start the elimination of holding my ego-based projections (such as, “I just want someone to have fun with!”) as part of my standards for seeking a partner, in hopes of minimizing “the reasons” I would have to later break up with them.
I now seek more compatible, comfortable, long-term individuals to share my time with. So when I finally have a breakup with someone who I could envision as part of my life, as part of my future, I undoubtedly have a really difficult time identifying a concrete explanation for our parting.
Dissecting it like detective’s work, I spend hours, days and weeks post-breakup racking my brain for some type of justification of why we ended. I meticulously analyze everything he did, and more so, everything I did or did not do — thinking there must have been a flaw of some sort, or an overlooked red flag.
I play a continuous highlight reel of the good, the bad, the cherished and the unexpected, in hopes of seeking an explanation for our departing. We love, care and respect one another so deeply — why is that not enough?
“That rejection redirected us to someplace better.” — Lana Blakely
Sometimes it is not someone’s fault.
Sometimes no one did anything wrong.
Sometimes, there is no one to blame.
If you are looking for an explanation — more often than not, the reason is simply that sometimes, two people are not meant to stay together. As stated by Lana Blakely in her Youtube video, “Why Rejection is Good for You”, “Not everything you desire will be meant for you, nor will you be meant for everything you desire… I’m learning to accept the fact that not everything in life is a match.”
This is undoubtedly a difficult pill to swallow, however, it becomes a necessary truth that many of us need to hear. It is a necessary truth that I need to hear. Searching for a reason, or concrete evidence of why a relationship failed, is a natural part of healing the leftover wounds. It is much easier to identify a “why”, rather than leaving the partnership blindly with a broken heart.
However, despite all of the twisted rationalizations we try to justify our relationship with, sometimes breaking it down to the simple truth — that two humans are not meant to end up together — become our reason and our closure. Learning to understand and process this as a factual truth rather than an emotional one, can help aid in the healing process of separating from a relationship, allowing us to gain the appropriate insight we need to move forward.