When You Say Nothing
You say it best -for yourself- when you say nothing at all.
Intro
I wrote these words during a quiet spiral a while ago… lasted a few weeks, and the urge to reach out became stronger than usual. I kept thinking about texting or calling, not to get answers or closure, but to hear a voice I once loved.
To remember it was real.
To say, “I just wanted to hear your voice.”
That simple. That honest.
I never did.
Instead, I typed the following into my notes, letting out my feelings and thoughts.
Even though I’m not in that place anymore, I still believe in honouring the human part of us that wants to check in, care, and misses people even after choosing to move past it.
We’ve all been there.
Wanting to reach out is human. It doesn’t have to mean much more than that. Not everything needs a huge reason.
But… choosing not to reach out? That’s a strength.
And that is a pretty good feeling, too.
So I’m sharing this below now… it wasn’t something I ever thought I’d send to him. It was just how I processed the moments that I wanted to reach out.
It was private, just for me.
But I’m sharing it now, in case it helps anyone who’s ever felt the same.
I was the person who danced down your street with music in her ears.
The person who believed that if the love I gave was strong enough,
you’d see your worth, too.
That just maybe it’d help you heal,
that you’d trust love the way I trusted it, too.
So I became the person who loved you
without knowing you’d be the one
to teach me what it feels like
to be deeply hurt by someone I never thought would.
You chose fear over us.
You chose silence over accountability.
You chose disappearance over a love shared.
Which turned me into the person
who woke up every day thinking,
“Maybe today is the day he shows up and makes it right.”
For a while.
I stayed with that thought.
But after a while, I became the person
who stopped needing your closure.
The one who still missed you,
still had tears sometimes,
but still got up the next day
open for better things.
The person who survived
the kind of silence that should have destroyed her.
I will continue to be that person
who, no matter how much my heart wants to check in on you,
will not text you.
No matter how much I want to hear your voice,
will not click on your name.
Because that is me keeping promises to myself.
That is me showing up for myself.
That is me choosing myself over the past.
Though truthfully… I’ll always wonder if you’re okay.
And I’ll always hope that you are.
