Why Being in an Open Relationship is Important To Me, Even Though I’m Not Slutty
It’s about the right to privacy.
I’ve been in an open relationship for 4 years, but I haven’t had sex with anybody else. Why is that? Even amidst the dozens of opportunities that have come my way, why wouldn’t I take advantage of it? (joking). When I tell people I’m in an open relationship, many people assume it’s because I want to sleep around. I encounter that stereotype a lot, especially as a guy. The reason is that having an open relationship is important to me in the same way that my right to privacy is important.
If I’m in a relationship with someone, I have no desire to control them — and I don’t want them to control me. We’re two individuals meeting as equals. Having the option of connecting with other people, and establishing relationships with them in whatever way I see fit, is part and parcel of that. I want the ability to manage my connections with other people on my own and experiment (or not experiment) with whatever I feel is appropriate. I don’t want someone looking over my shoulder trying to control what types of interactions I have.
Clearly, STDs can be an issue. But temporarily assuming that away, then I don’t see where the effect on the other person comes in. I believe my freedom of action starts where the effects on you end. As they say, my freedom to swing my arm around ends at your nose. That’s where the right to privacy comes in: if it doesn’t directly affect you, then those actions are my own.
I also have no desire to put my relationship in a box. I’m confident in my ability to talk through whatever issue may come up. Like quarterbacks who prefer to call (or audible) their own plays at the line of scrimmage instead of taking strict directions from a coach. I’m not scared of relying on myself.
Another issue that has been interesting is when people assume I’m in an open relationship because I haven’t found the “right” person yet. After all, everybody knows that when a guy finds the right woman, he’ll commit and settle down (eye roll). It’s an infantilizing and condescending notion.
Similarly, I once dated a woman who said she felt rejected when I said I didn’t want to be monogamous. She felt I was really saying, “I don’t want to be monogamous with you.” She thought it was some referendum on her quality as a potential girlfriend, wife, or mother. As a guy, that thought process perplexes me. It’s as if some women think their value is certified by their ability to lock a guy down and make him commit (exclusively) to her.
This whole cycle feels toxic. Men try to sleep with lots of women (for whatever reason), and that then implicitly imputes some value on a woman being able to lock a man down. Men start to feel claustrophobic as a result. Then they feel the “forbidden fruit” of being single again…and the cycle continues.
I’m not saying my approach to relationships is right for everyone. I enjoy my autonomy more than most. It also helps that my girlfriend is on the same page as me: the openness of the relationship is more philosophical than it is an excuse to sleep around.
