Parent-Child Match: The unexpected gift of the dissimilar child
By Elizabeth Sylvester, PhD.
Every child is a genetic roll of the dice — maybe your child has your hair and his grandfather’s height. Maybe you recognize her father’s peaceful disposition, but something in her sense of humor reminds you of your sister. The possible combinations are virtually limitless.
With this wealth of possible types it’s inevitable that we will feel different degrees of rapport, familiarity and connectedness with our various children. We can easily find ourselves raising children that feel very different from us. When there is a “match” between a parent and a child it can lead to wondrous moments of resonance, intuitive understanding, and intimacy. In instances of “mismatch”, we receive the gift of seeing life differently than we would have otherwise. Our dissimilar children can amaze us with their gifts, provide us with experiences we would never have sought out on our own, and bring new empathy and insight to our view of the world.
In the rough and tumble of day-to-day life, however, a “mismatch” can cause unanticipated stress and struggles to connect. For example a loud, expressive and energetic parent of a highly sensitive child may unintentionally overstimulate the child. Such a parent may have difficulty matching their level of stimulation to the receptivity of the child, or may have difficulty recognizing the child’s more subtle expressions of emotions and needs. This parent may need to work hard to match their child’s natural pace, to meet her without overwhelming her, and to allow her the time and space she needs to express herself.
Conversely, highly active, emotionally intense, willful children can be especially challenging for a more sensitive, irritable, or fragile parent, who may be overly stressed by the demands of keeping up with, resonating to, and setting limits with a ball of fire. In these situations, the parent may be tempted to withdraw or become overly accommodating (or permissive) in order to avoid the stress of conflict. Yet, what the child actually needs is to have his intensity appreciated, matched and guided. In short, while it is challenging to sensitively parent a dissimilar child, this process can strengthen attachment and bolster the child’s self-worth.
The parent-child relationship, like any relationship, is co-constructed. That means that the parent and the child build the relationship together. Each brings their own unique qualities to each interaction, which affect their experience together. In the context of this elemental two-way relationship, the child creates a template for his role and his expectations for future relationships.
Secure attachments result when a parent is accurately attuned to their child on a regular basis, and follows the child’s pacing much of the time. The repeated experience of being seen, understood, and well-paced creates in the child a sense of security and of feeling valued. In a home where personality differences are acknowledged, accepted, and valued, the child can develop confidence and comfort in primary relationships. This then becomes part of their template, which is literally encoded in their developing brain.
Connecting with a child in this healthy and harmonious way is easy in theory and harder in practice. It can be quite difficult when you must leave your comfort zone to resonate with your child and to match their energy and sensibilities. However it’s in these moments of disconnection or tension that it’s so important to see the child accurately, adjust to respect the child’s natural pace and rhythm, and move with him, not against him.
Slowing and quieting when your sensitive child needs more space or time, or allowing for exuberance or rage in your intense child can be difficult, but ultimately communicates that the child’s natural style of being is just fine. When, as a parent, you are able to more often than not pull off this feat, you have given your child a gift she will carry within forever, the gift of feeling lovable and that others can be trusted.
Elizabeth Sylvester, PhD and Kat Scherer, PhD, MFT, C-IAYT are practicing Psychologists in Austin, Texas. In addition to their clinical work they have spent much of their careers presenting on attachment, interpersonal neurobiology, emotional development, and relationship-based parenting to therapists, teachers, and caregivers. Checkout their website: Relationship-Based Treatment.
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(This post was also published with Psychology Today Blog. March 2023)
