The Secret Ingredient to Discipline — Parenting with Clarity

By Elizabeth Sylvester, PhD

There are many reasons why a child might break rules or not comply with adult wishes. Some children are just strong willed or very self-directed. Others are impulsive. Still others are motivated to test limits or seek attention through noncompliance. These issues can be addressed incrementally through various discipline strategies. But there is one category that is low-hanging fruit and easily resolved, and that is behavioral issues due to lack of clarity. When a child is not clear on what is expected of him, and that the adult really means it, misbehavior is not even really misbehavior. It is just confusion.

So what is clarity?

When clarity has been achieved the child understands what is expected of him. He has a good understanding of the rules, his schedule, parental boundaries and limits. He is also secure in the knowledge of how his parent will respond to him when he is in-bounds, and when he is out-of-bounds. In other words, discipline is facilitated when caregivers are predictable.

Why is clarity important?

Children feel increased security when clarity has been established. Within a clear and consistent family system children feel greater confidence and decreased anxiety. They are not wondering if they are on-track or off-track, they know. Children feel calmer and are more capable of self-control when things are predictable, which in turn increases their chances of being successful.

Parents also benefit from clarity. When rules, expectations, schedules and limits are well established, parenting is less stressful. They have fewer decisions to make because many decisions have already been made! Clarity means having a game plan and it helps the entire family move more smoothly. When there is less chaos parents feel less anxious and overwhelmed, more confident and relaxed. Clarity not only allows children to know what they are supposed to be doing, it also allows parents to know what they themselves are committed to doing.

And why is clarity hard?

Creating clarity and avoiding inconsistency require preparedness and adult self-control. They require effort and constant vigilance. In order to achieve clarity parents need to be thoughtful and grounded. Each of these can be difficult when parents are busy, tired, stressed, or distracted. Adult ADHD and other mental health issues can also make being consistent harder. Additionally anyone who has not had experience with clear boundaries and structure can find this challenging. And, finally, some people resist it because of fear of losing freedom, or of losing playfulness and creativity. But clarity does not mean rigidity. Just like games run more smoothly when their rules are understood, family life is more fun and runs more smoothly when clarity is maintained.

If clarity is so great, how do you create it?

To create clarity for a child, we must start with being clear within ourselves. If we don’t know what we want, and what we don’t want, we will confuse the child with our own inconsistency. So the first step is to ponder how we want our family to function. What are our values and expectations? As we focus in on this we enter a process:

• If I want a peaceful and safe environment, then I want to be clear about a no hitting rule.
• If I don’t want hitting, then I guess I want my kids to use their words.
• If I expect them to use words instead of aggression, I may need to allow loud voices and have a rule against hitting, pushing, kicking, and pinching.
• It will have to be ok for them to come to me with problems, since left to their own devices they might end up using aggression.

This process of thinking things through and deciding what’s important leads to greater certainty regarding our commitments in parenting. It can be an evolving process where clarity develops through multiple interactions, gradually built over time. In order for parents to create clarity for their child, they must be clear themselves; the clearer they are on what they want the clearer they are on what they don’t want, and visa versa

Part of being clear ourselves is thinking through what rules the child needs, then creating those rules, and wording them clearly.

• To keep her safe — “No leaving the yard without telling me”
• To foster responsibility — “No leaving a mess”
• To facilitate kindness — “No hitting”
• To build honesty — “No lying”

Specific and negatively worded rules are clear rules. Avoid rules like “Be nice” or “Show courtesy” — they lack specificity. But, “No foul language” or “No screaming at people” are more clear. Children are concrete thinkers, so they benefit from concrete instructions. Parents often think that phrasing rules in positive terms reinforces positivity, but for many children it just decreases clarity. Children know what “no” means.

Once your rules are formulated, the key is to communicate to the child when he is following the rules. That’s right, reinforcing rule following is more effective than focusing on rule breaking. This takes the form of hunting for opportunities to articulate praise — “I see you using your words to your brother. It shows your self-control that you followed the no hitting rule” or “You could totally have lied about losing the money, but instead you were honest and told me what happened.”

Then when rules are broken, a simple, calm correction will suffice. “No lying”, “No hitting”. For this to be effective, the limit must be set every time a rule is broken. In this way the adult is perfectly predictable, offering recognition when the rule is followed, calm and brief correction when the rule is broken. Consistency is key. Rules apply in all situations, even if the adult is tired, the child has had a hard day, the family is not at home, or the child barely broke the rule.

The essence of clarity is explicit rules, consistently applied, with a focus on success, and reliable calm correction. Although parents may find this approach effortful at first, over time this secret ingredient creates a less chaotic, more functional family, which in turn reduces stress all around.

Reference:

Sylvester, E. & Scherer, K. (2022) Relationship-Based Treatment of Children and Their Parents: An integrative guide to neurobiology, attachment, regulation, and discipline. WW Norton.

Elizabeth Sylvester, PhD and Kat Scherer, PhD, MFT, C-IAYT are practicing Psychologists in Austin, Texas. In addition to their clinical work they have spent much of their careers presenting on attachment, interpersonal neurobiology, emotional development, and relationship-based parenting to therapists, teachers, and caregivers. Checkout their website: Relationship-Based Treatment.

If you enjoyed this post, you can find similar writing in the Heart & Work Series. Please share our post or click on the clapping hands below to recommend it to others. To receive future posts, ‘follow’ us on Medium. Thanks for joining us!

©Copyright 2023 Heart & Work of Parenting

(A version of this post was also published with Psychology Today Blog. Nov 2023)