The Trouble with “No!”
By Elizabeth Sylvester, PhD. If you are like most parents you tell your children “no” all the time. You say things like “No you can’t have a sleepover, it’s Tuesday night,” “Stop hitting your sister,” “Don’t argue with your grandma,” “Turn off the computer, your time is over,” or even “We do not put peanut butter on the dog.” All these “no’s” are intended to communicate limits to our children, and raise them to be cooperative, polite and self-controlled. But, if you are like most parents, you have probably found saying ‘no’ doesn’t always work. The behaviors you say “no” to often continue. Your child may ignore, debate, argue, or even outright defy your limits.
It may be tempting to back down in frustration and set fewer limits, yield to the child’s refusal, attempt to persuade your child to accept the limit, explain, bargain, negotiate or bribe. Or you may be like most of us and have attempted to make your “no” more powerful by escalating, raising your voice, threatening, accusing or lecturing. But over time you may have discovered these responses are not particularly effective either. There is a secret, however, in saying “no” and making it stick.
The secret is your energy.
Many children are highly attuned to the ebb and flow of their parents’ energy. When the parent is looking at them, they feel the energy of the connection. When the parent is speaking to them, the connection is stronger. The more passionate the communication, the more intense the experience of this relational energy. Children are almost always attracted to the attention, connection, and relationship they receive from their parents and other people.
Some children, most specifically those we would describe as behaviorally or emotionally intense, are extraordinarily attuned to the energy directed toward them. They crave the deep, passionate connection they feel when their parents are intently focused on them and engaging with them. This is lovely when you are engaged in play and giving your child your full attention and enthusiasm. But think about other times when you are fully and passionately engaged with your child … think about how highly focused and energized you may be when she misbehaves. The intensity of this relational connection is also fascinating to the child. And this is energetic misalignment — your words say “no” while your energy says “yes.”
These times of parental intensity are confusing to the intense child. He is attracted to being the center of your attention, but he probably hates the negative quality of the attention. Any time you are chiding, reminding, arguing, or raising your voice you are dishing out your “no” with the absolutely alluring “yes” of a powerful dose of relationship energy. Consider instead experiment with saying “no” with your energy as well as with your words.
The key to this intervention is keeping your energy low when your child is not complying, and then richly responding when he makes any move toward compliance. While the misbehavior continues you are withholding your energy, but you are also carefully observing your child so you can enthusiastically offer your energy the moment he makes any move at all toward responding to your “no.” As one of my favorite parent trainers says, you are “waiting to pounce” when the child shows a glimmer of success.
So how does this play out in real time, with a real child and a real, human parent? Say your son is dawdling, resisting turning off the TV and starting homework. You calmly say “Turn off the TV now and begin your homework”. He ignores you. You calmly turn off the TV yourself and announce the consequence “No TV for the rest of the day; its time for homework” (calmly mind you!). And then wait to pounce the moment your son makes any move toward getting back on track. If he looks at you instead of the TV, pounce and point out that he is now paying attention. If he takes a step toward his backpack, pounce and recognize he is going to get his homework. If he starts yelling, calmly and simply say “No yelling,” and when he stops, pounce and recognize he is no longer yelling.
This is conscious awareness of your parenting energy, and conscious use of it to powerfully to encourage positive behavior and discourage negative behavior. “Absolute No ®” means I refuse to make my energy and connection available to you in the context of your misbehavior. I refuse to make my energy and connection available to you in the context of your defiance. I refuse to make my energy and connection available to you when you are not being your successful self. “Absolute No” is not ignoring or cold shoulder, it is merely calmly waiting for the moment when your child moves toward being back on track, and you can resume relating closely and positively.
For more on “Absolute No®” and energetically aligned parenting, see Howard Glasser’s work, “The Nurtured Heart Approach.®”
The Heart and Work of Parenting blog is the written by two Psychologists, Drs. Kathy Scherer and Elizabeth Sylvester, who live and work in the heart of family life. They bring their expertise on emotional development, family attachments, neurobiology, and current scientific research to their work. The contents of this blog are sections of a book in progress; we welcome any thoughtful feedback. Website: Heart and Work.
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