Don’t Honk

When I was teaching my kids to drive, I had a few hard set rules. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t pick up hitchhikers (if people still do that). And lastly and perhaps not the most life threatening one, well with road rage these days it could be — DO NOT HONK YOUR HORN. I urged them not to let feelings that come up while driving, like anger for instance, lead them to reflexively push down on their wheel. The horn was to be reserved only to avert an accident. The horn was not to be used when they were annoyed because the driver in the car in front of them might be texting when the light changed from red to green. I asked them to consider the possibility that the driver may be a doctor answering a text midway to a patient who had just received a poor prognosis and needed reassurance. I warned that the horn should never be used to spew rage at another driver who was tailgating you because in their estimate you were going too slow. That rushed driver perhaps was taking their delirious, limpless child with 106 fever to the hospital. Lastly, the horn should not be tooted when someone on the corner held up a sign, “Honk if you support wearing yellow pantyhose on Fridays.” Sometimes it’s ok to keep your opinions to yourself, depending upon the audience. So why the steadfast rule of selective horn use? The bigger picture, or let’s say symbolism of horn use is that the horn in a car should not be used to vomit uncomfortable feelings, or for that matter any feelings at all. Most honking occurs when someone is angry, frustrated, impatient and frankly misdirects their feelings and the use of it should be curbed when that self expression is inappropriate. Behavioral etiquette should not be saved only for around the dining table.

As a parent my life lessons were not only reserved for my children when they were pedestrians, seated or supine, but every possible place I could garner their attention. The lesson that I was trying to teach was mostly about empathy. I wanted them to think outside of themselves and consider what it was like to be in someone else’s shoes. By stopping to use the horn to self-express, I hoped that they would take the time to be self reflective, thoughtful and considerate. Eliminating the need to dump their uncomfortable feelings onto the horn, could give them an opportunity to actually wrestle discomfort which if you have a pulse is impossible to avoid. Once feeling this way, they would hopefully build the muscle necessary to sit with that. Deliberately changing the desire to honk would create some space for being patient, and even to reflect upon the choices they were to make.

While sitting in the passenger seat with my kids in the driver’s seat, I would make up different scenarios and tell them that the person in the car ahead may be texting when the light changed, because there was an elderly parent at home that had just fallen and the driver just alerted, was upset and distracted. I made up stories upon stories about someone else’s circumstances. I reminded them that anger behind the wheel could be lethal. You never know when someone else will take that honk as a major offense and pull out a gun, or veer you off the road. And if you are that angry because someone made a stupid driving decision, we have a greater problem here. Why are you so angry? If you weren’t in a car would you flip someone the finger? Call them an “asshole?” Sneer at them? Why is it ok behind a windshield? Get a hold of yourself! Consider taking a deep breath or imagine the possible scenarios of others on the road and be empathic. Give people the benefit of the doubt. And by all means don’t always make your strongly held opinions known. Take inventory of your audience, and decide, is this the right venue, or people to be sharing with? I only hope that my kids have made a road map of these life lessons and that wherever they go they can take them on the road with them.