If You Want to Make God Laugh, Tell Her Your Plans…
Monday Morning
I wake up, get kids ready for school, walk the dog.
I make my way to the kitchen table. I am determined to finish my Midlife Mayhem piece for Heart. Soul. Pen. Every day for the past two weeks, I write about my life but I just can’t seem to finish. Today I write my life as an episode of
(deep voice) “LAW and ORDER” (chunk chunk)
The Emotional Unit, Sherman Oaks, kitchen table.
The CASE: KIRSTEN. Midlife
The Chief of Investigations, Detective Ice Queen and her junior partner, Detective Sassy Pants enter the kitchen.
Chief(motions):Doughnuts?
Sassy Pants:(rage) Oh!! we are supposed to provide the donuts! Huh, Chief? Donut get me started!
Det. Ice Queen:(cool and collected says) There are. no doughnuts here.
Chief asks:Diet?
Detective Sassy Pants:(scoffs and says)Hardly, chief!
Det. Ice Queen: (observes, all knowing)While there are no treats in the kitchen, don’t be fooled. Kirsten has been consuming plenty while attending multipleChristmas parties on the weekends. (holds out a file) She might not be able to fit into her pants. Exhibit A.
The Chief is impressed!
Sassy Pants:(not to be outdone) Kirsten’s waistline is the least of her worries. (holds up multiple files) Job Burnout after 13 years of teaching! 2 kids! ADHD runs in the family! Messy House! 7 Aging parents! Bubby. Lily. Boom!
___
Bubby is my mother-in-law. Lily is Bubby’s miniature poodle. We had to put Lily down the first night of Hanukkah. It’s so sad and so funny, no one would believe it.
I think- it’s OK- I still got Tuesday wide open- I’ll write and finish this Mayhem piece tomorrow.
Tuesday Morning
I wake up, get kids to the bus, walk the dog- all by 8:30am. I head over to the kitchen table. My beautiful plan: finish the Mayhem piece.
Phone rings. Ted.
(big sigh) It’s alright. I’ll go to ER and get Bubby home.
It’s a role reversal for me to help him. His Mom, Bubby, has a long list of physical and mental ailments. While I am rattled, he is confident this is not life and death- just routine.
By 10am- I am at Bed 17 in Tarzana.
It’s crowded. This “room” is more like a hallway- it’s tiny, cold and brightly lit. Every bed is full. Bubby is happy and surprised to see me. I find a chair next to her and worry about her short-term memory. We wait.
12:30pm- The doctor swoops in. X-ray is clear. Good. No pneumonia. Good. Blood work- all good. The doctor is pleased but my ansiety is growing. My concern over Bubby’s mental confusion is not something they cover in ER.
“Now all we need is the urine test and then she can go home!”
Bubby looks at me — all apology. She is dehydrated. It’s going to take an IV and a few hours. We wait.
Bubby naps. I check my phone for my writing time. It’s full of Mayhem. 2 and ½ days until the kids 3 week Winter Break. Get teacher gifts. Thursday is out- school presentation. Friday, My mom and stepfather fly in from NY for Christmas. I have a date to take a walk with my Dad, Wednesday. (hopeful) Tomorrow. I am tempted to cancel and write instead.
An elderly woman in front of me, cries out in pain while trying to touch the gaping wound on the back of her head.
“Ma’am- don’t touch it.” The nurse commands.
I gasp when I see the ring of bright red blood that has discolored her pajamas and the back of her neck in patches of red, pink, maroon, and brown.
She blurts out- “I had so many plans today. This was not my plan.”
The nurses wheel her out and I meditate on her lament.
I look over at Bubby and decide not to keep that walking date with Dad. Let’s not say it’s a plan, OK, God?
3 pm, I drive Bubby home who is in good spirits. We’ll see if the confusion is due to the infection. Bubby’s test results will take three days.
The results — like my writing will have to wait.
