Life and Some Mother Things

My youngest child just turned one. His older sister is almost five. I’m back here again. His soft brown hair is thickening every day, his snaggle teeth keep multiplying and he’s on the verge of taking his very first steps unassisted. Everyday I wonder, will today be the day? I will likely ask that question for the rest of my life. Because after walking, it’s talking. And then throwing a ball. Riding a bike, jumping and asking “why mommy?” And then a million other firsts I don’t want to miss.

While cuddling him in my arms and singing the nightly lullaby, I was overwhelmed with sadness. Despite being on a beach vacation, I was painfully aware of my inability to prevent the passage of time. Salty tears and sand castles washed away by the sea. A priceless treasure safe in my arms that will someday likely tower over me. I’m already feeling deep loss, and yet he is alive and thriving. This motherhood game is intense. It has taken over every part of life as I once knew it, and I’m told that as difficult as it is to adjust to the demands of a new baby, it’s far more difficult to adjust to letting the babies leave the nest and soar away. Thank goodness that’s many years from now.

Will today be the day? Will I hear back from company X about my job application? Because as much as I love being a mother to my magical two children, I miss expressing myself professionally. I often feel lost and ponder, how did I get here? I always wanted to raise children, but I didn’t anticipate how much I’d choose to give up in an attempt to do the best job I could as a mother. But that’s who I am. Whatever the opportunity, I invest whole-heartedly. All in. Why does all in for them feel like all out for me?

And then I imagine once that day comes and I’m back earning the big bucks outside the home, will today be the day? Will the nanny call and tell me that my five year-old did her first cartwheel in gym class? I thought that was many years from now. And then my whole word will feel upside-down because what could be more important than being there for her first anything? How do I win at this game?

In the same moment I’m cuddling my son and feeling so sad about these fleeting moments, I’m also overflowing with love. He’s so precious. I’m so lucky to get to encourage and help nurture the infinite potential that lives within him. And within his big sister. And within me. Is that what this game is all about? Am I all in or all out? Do I get to remember parts of me as I teach them all about the world? But I thought I had already figured out my world before giving birth. Happy marriage. Fulfilling job. Traveling the world. Volunteering regularly. Wonderful friends. Only thing missing was being a mother. I lost track of how many times I asked the question…will today be the day I learn I’m pregnant?

Eventually that day came and then the day I heard my baby’s heartbeat for the very first time, the day I gave birth and declared she was Sophia Rose. The day she cooed and then smiled. Cried. Walked and talked and then declared she didn’t like me. Wait, what? I never wanted that day to come. I thought that was many years from now. And as lost as I often still feel with my darling daughter, my husband and I decided to go for it again so that she would have a sibling and we would get a second chance. Another shot at not missing any of those priceless firsts that may have been overlooked in an attempt to figure it all out. Will today be the day we tell her she is going to be a big sister? Will it be a boy or a girl? Will today be the day I give birth again?

While glancing at a photo of me holding my son on his first birthday, our smiling eyes looked identical, squealing with delight over a new stuffed bunny. Who taught him how to smile like that? Have I always smiled like that?

So although I feel lost on most days, it seems I’m actually on the road to discovery. I have definitely not figured it all out. In fact, that’s not the game I want to play anymore. My children are teaching me how to smile at life’s surprises. How to adapt, to go with the flow. To wonder what each day might bring. What they might do for the first time. What I might do for the first time. I’m not so sure about those many years from now. They are now.

Will today be the day?