MIR FAR DIR
I am so sorry, mir far dir*.
You will have a hard life
Ummm, grandma, I’m 11.
Yes, my heart, but you know too much.
It’s in your eyes. They’ve seen too much.
Ummm, grandma, what have they seen?
You ask questions that have no answer.
Ummm, grandma, the question I’m asking,
is what the heck are you talking about?
And how can you say that to me, I’m 11?
I’m sorry, my light, but you will serve.
Live hard and fully, attract
the best people, experiences, education,
and then have it to give it back.
It’s your calling.
Ummm grandma, you’re causing me pausing.
Why would you jinx me; are you a witch?
My little pixie, I wish we could switch
places.
Is this even a real conversation?
Why is the sky blue, comes out of me?
My name in Hebrew means beautiful tree.
And you’ll grow, branches will snap and break.
Ummm grandma, for God fucking sake!
What is the true meaning of life?
4 good days out of 7 makes for bearable strife.
This feels too heavy as I’m only 11.
But, okay, I’ll play. Is there a heaven?
What is fake? Are we here? What is real?
Ummm, grandma.
Maybe you’re right. I have existential fear?
Yes, you do, my mir far dir.
I will always have your back despite
whatever you lack in strength and might.
Ummm grandma, I lack now,
and you died long ago, you didn’t stick around
to fully explain and show me how to
survive that suffering. You knew. I grew
up with ones who didn’t share
the questions in which you took care
and time to answer, without censure.
Ummm grandma, I now feel very alone
Without still, my own home
Did you know that I got sick
from the damn venom of a tick?
Revisiting questions about what matters
most, searching for your spirit, your ghost.
Who has my back though now an adult?
Mir far dir — show me you are somehow near.
Knowing that hard life I couldn’t have imagined.
You predicted, perhaps a vestige
from that old Eastern European shtetl cabin.
I am blessed with support, friends, love,
and hope to string together days of 4 or more.
Ummm grandma, I now appreciate your warning;
I wish I heeded it, when all was shining, warming.
Mir far dir, I miss openness to things beyond knowing.
The sky is blue because that’s my perception of it as true.
The meaning of life is to learn to live amidst the strife.
Ummm grandma, I am here. Come closer to my soul;
I want to feel soft arms around me, protected by you.
While the still-incarnate family doesn’t have a clue
about how lines between separating here from there,
aren’t always clear; rather, it’s something between
me and my Mir far dir.
I will teach my students and young relatives
4 of 7 is often more than enough.
Life is full of joy and frivolity
and yes, also unexpectedly, tough.
4/7. I plan to again reach that idolatry.
My bevy of questions remain. Through the pain.
With your support, I now have my own back.
Soon, off to NY to heal; I’m ready to pack.
You’re always with me,
in spirit and might, transmuting
your wisdom and truth from
that sky still appearing so blue.
Ummm, grandma, I miss you. I love you.
Mir far, not nearly close enough, dir!
*One closest to my heart, in Yiddish
