Oy Fucking Vey!

By Dorothy Pincus for HEART. SOUL. PEN. LIVE!

It was rainy, cold, cloudy and grey, not a bird in the sky. Dressed in my leopard onesie.

I almost wore it today, it’s has a hood, it keeps me warm. (Beat) OMG, I have about 12 onesies, all different types. Seriously, I wear them everywhere. Yes, folks, stare at me all the time, but I don’t care, I love my onesies. Some folks, even toot their horns saying “Thank you for wearing the onesie”!!!

My favorite onesie is my black panther one. My dog Bailey loves to follow me around the house. Biting, pulling and holding the long black tail in her mouth. It’s a great bonding moment for me and my furry little girl.

So, I finally make it to Vons. I’m sitting in the parking lot, reading over my song idea. Then, Suzie called.

I was so, happy to hear from her. “Hello”, a big smile on my face, it’s been a while,” How you doing?” I was just thinking about you, when I saw your name pop up, I was thinking “wow”, we’ve come a long way, haven’t we. To think out of all the people in the world, you asked me, to officiate your wedding. It just goes to show, “Anybody” can get along, right!

Before I could get another word in, Suzie, totally blind sighted me. (sarcastically) So, Dorothy, I got your book and thought about writing a review on Amazon, “Aww, thanks, Suzie! That’s so sweet of you!”

But! changed my mind, because “All together now”, I am writing a book too.

I didn’t want to get in trouble with Amazon. “What” “ You Know!!! They might penalize me or block me, “when,” I write my own book. You know! They are cracking down on family members and friends writing reviews. However, I did, scroll down on your reviews, and 3 people gave you, all fives.

If I thought about it! And I did, “I should”, give you a bad review to mix it up a little, I mean “everybody”, gave you fives? It looks quite suspicious, don’t you think? Do you know these people? Are they your friends?

“Oy Fucking Vey, no! ” What are you talking about!”

UUUh, Dorothy, It was sooo hard to read your book. Is it fiction or non-fiction? I mean, did this really happen to you Dorothy, or did you embellish the truth for sales?

“Oy Fucking Vey Suzie”, Yeah, This shit happened to me. (under my breath) WFT!

Dorothy, I mean, I really! Really! Tried reading it, last night before I went to bed, but if I did! I would’ve had nightmares. It was really scary Dorothy!

“Awww, you poor thing you, nightmares” Wow, Suzie, it sounds like you are really had a hard time reading my book. Did it trigger something?

Well, that, and the fact that, you never to me about it or that, you were writing a book.

Why, Why did you keep this from me, Dorothy I thought we were close?

Uh, Suzie! this happened over 20 years ago. I mean, being abused, is not something you, just pop up and talk about. I’ve known you what! About five years, why would I bring it up? And since when I have to ask your approval about “me” writing a book? “You don’t know me like that”

Anyyyyywho Suzie, tell me! (pause) What part of my book that made you feel scary?

Well, all of it Dorothy!!! “Dorothy people really must hate you. “What”, I mean, you are so talented!!! I bet people are like, “gosh”, now, she writes a book? (sarcastically) Dorothy sings, she writes, she writes songs, she’s a healer, she does All these things, AND she’s married, with three kids! Geez, what else doesDorothy got up her sleeves?

WHAT! DON’T! DOROTHY! DO! It’s like, I have to, I mean, “People”, have to constantly hear about what you’re doing, and it must really piss people off? It makes me, um, mean “people”, think about all the stuff they, put on the backburner, I really need to get my stuff together.

“Oy Fucking Vey Suzie”

Nooo! seriously Dorothy! I was actually, going to submit your song, the one you did at my wedding to the “Steve Harvey show”, but now, I’m not going to do that because you are not an amateur. I hope you are not mad at me?

Oy Fucking Vey, Suzie”, What the Fuck!!!” “I mean, I just do, what I do. I’m not doing anything to you”. Suzie, do you hate me? Do you? You sound like you are dumping your shit on me & blaming me for your choices.

Am I your trigger Suzie? Do you, have things buried in the backyard like my dog Bailey? Do I need to dial 911? Am I the tick to your bomb? You seem to have this ticking bomb in you.

You know what? I think it’s time for me to get my “ass “off this phone.

“Dorothy”, I was just saying that, “Other People, not me!” Might hate you because you always doing stuff.

Bye Suzie,

Dorothy wait! “Please, Dorothy! Hear me out!” “I did Suzie, loud and clear! We’re never gonna be friends, because” you “won’t let us, “Bye, Felicia”.

Dorothy! You are taking this the wrong way!

No Suzie! I am taking it, the way you said it! But, hey, it’s okay, I’m done! I’m Done! Oy fucking vey!