You are Too Emotional

No bicycles, a roasted pig, and a birthday party every five years. Maybe it is a difference in cultures? Or maybe I am too emotional.

When I got married, a family friend surprised me with a personalized wedding gift: a hand-painted slate rock on which she painted our wedding date, our names, the Chinese symbol for double happiness, and a pair of cats.

Because we got married in the Fall, she painted two trees surrounded by pumpkins in red, orange, yellow, and brown. I love this painting not only because my friend is a gifted artist, but because of the thought she put into our wedding gift. Now that we have two children, she painted an owl on a tree and used the branches to represent our family of four.

When I think of Jason and me getting married, I remember feeling stressed with the wedding planning. I remember my mother-in-law asking me to pick up guests at the airport on my wedding day. I remember the conference call in which she told me, “You need to have a reception near the airport. We need to host our guests that are flying in from Taiwan as well as our friends from New Jersey. Can you arrange a shuttle to pick up the guests since you won’t be picking them up?”

I remember asking Jason, “Why is getting married so stressful?” I told him, “We should be having a great time and yet your parents want something and my parents want something and I feel like we are not getting anything that we want!”

His parents wanted to invite 75 guests. My parents are divorced. My mother wanted 50 guests. My father wanted 50 guests. This did not include our friends or the people we wanted at the wedding. Jason and I dated for four years before getting married. I had never met the people his parents wanted to invite.

We were paying for our wedding. We wanted to keep it simple and splurge on a honeymoon to Hong Kong. But the constant phone calls from my mother-in-law didn’t stop. She called and said, “Just so you know, I bought a purple dress for the wedding.” It didn’t matter what colors I had picked out. I said, “Fine. Wear what you want.”

When Jason and I looked at places for our reception, Jason’s parents insisted on coming with us. After looking at multiple venues, Jason’s dad said, “ You should just call a hotel downtown and book a conference room. The cost of these places is astronomical. Don’t tell them it is for a wedding. Just say you are having a big party. Also, we should bring a roasted pig.”

I told Jason we did not need a roasted pig. I felt like all of the planning was spiraling out of control. In the end, Jason and I agreed to keep the wedding small. We got married in a beautiful chapel and headed to a local restaurant where afterward to have an intimate dinner with friends and family. My in-laws did not come. They said they needed to host their friends from out of town.

My brother-in-law, a doctor, was the best man. He was on call. After the ceremony, he had to be at the hospital so he left. Jason did not have any family at the reception. I was mad that his parents didn’t show up at the reception in order to entertain their friends. It did not seem to bother Jason but it bothered me. I had a good time and did not want to hear his parents complain so it worked out in the end, I guess.

This reminds me of our baby shower. Jason got hit by a car while riding his bicycle a week before my baby shower. On the day of the baby shower, my mother-in-law pulled me aside and said, “If you need me here, I will stay. But I would rather go and have lunch with Jason. We really need to talk to him about not riding bicycles anymore now that he is a husband and a father.” I said, “Wait, what? You and Joe are going to tell him he can’t ride bicycles anymore?” Let me emphasize that riding bicycles is in Jason’s blood. He loves to ride. He has 15 bicycles in our basement and he rides everywhere including to work. I would never ask him to quit riding. But my mother-in-law left. She did not participate in the baby shower.

Even now for the kid’s birthday parties, my in-laws don’t attend. They said, “You should have a birthday party every 5 years. Why do you have a party every year?” I said, “ We celebrate every year.” So they don’t come.

I don’t recall a wedding present from my in-laws. It’s not about the presents but it is about the thought that matters to me. Like the hand-painted slate rock from Debbie. I cherish the thought that went into the painting and the surprise.

My in-laws are logical. I don’t recall them being sentimental. Maybe it is the difference in cultures but I have had several conversations with them that didn’t turn out well.

One time, when Jason was sick and depressed, he couldn’t even get out of bed. I am thankful my in-laws came to stay with us for a while to help out since I was working full-time and trying to raise two young children. But they would reorganize my kitchen and go through all the rooms in our house and remove items they didn’t feel needed to be there. I became more frustrated with them because their help was not helpful.

My father-in-law asked me to sit with him and talk about Jason’s depression. He said, “Taiwanese people don’t get depressed.” I said, “That is bullshit.” He said, “There are too many choices in this country and thus people here get depressed because of their jobs. In Taiwan, you have fewer choices and thus you don’t get depressed because you are not thinking about what ELSE you could be doing.”

I asked, “So what are you saying? Jason is depressed because of his job?” My father-in-law said, “Yes.” I said, “Jason had to have a heart ablation, and 20% of patients get depression as a result and this is exactly what happened to him. Not because of a job. I mean we spoke to the doctor about this.”

My father-in-law disagreed. I was pissed.

There was another time that Joe sat me down and said, “You need to teach your son math and science.” They don’t acknowledge my son is autistic or the other issues he has like dyslexia.

I said, “ You have no right to tell me how to raise my son. You have no experience raising a special needs child. You have no idea what it is like”.

My father-in-law said, “You are being too emotional!” He continued on about how my son needed to learn math and science. Obviously, this conversation did not go well.

I am an emotional person. When it comes to wedding gifts or baby gifts or even gifts that come out of the blue, the ones that say, ‘I am thinking of you’ or ‘I love you’ are the gifts that mean the most. It is wonderful to know that people care about you and that they show they care. I love sentimentality, which is why the two paintings from my artist friend are two of the most special gifts I have received in my lifetime.

My in-laws don’t show sentimentality. They list the facts. They tell me what they think is the problem. They tell me what I need to do to SOLVE the problem, whether it is true or not. I hate this. After all the years, Jason and I have been together (15 to be exact) maybe Joe is right. Maybe, I am just too emotional.