Fear Comes When There Is Another One
The mental experiments that helped me overcome my social phobia
The belief that we are in a body and looking at a world outside from two peepholes placed on a kind of meatball, stems from our necessary adherence to social reality.
What we have learned about ourselves to assume, not unreasonably, that we are to ourselves the same as what we seem to others is also the source of the lack of satisfaction and conflict in our relationships.
It may seem natural to assume that we are to ourselves what we perceive others to be: But this is a habitual illusion that makes us very vulnerable to their judgments and our own, whether real or imagined.
The tendency to protect ourselves from unpredictable changes and to come into conflict with others, a potentially inexhaustible source of discomfort, suffering, and frustration, is justified by the belief to be a series of labels associated with a cyclical emotionality inside a body, that moves and tries to act in an external world.
The mental experiments that helped me overcome my social phobia
This illusion can be tested by experience: with some brief mental experiments, we can bring our attention back to the true image of ourselves. For me, this was able to have a decisive impact on the ego, which works to affirm, protect, and remain consistent with an imaginary identity.
What I learned from this experience is that sometimes the world can be turned upside down, the exact opposite of what we believe. The mental experiments I am talking about are direct and physical: perfect for clarifying the perceptual confusion that is at the heart of our psychological confusion.
These experiments do not require adherence to any particular theory of reality or metaphysical belief. What they do require is a temporary suspension of all bias in favor of attention to the facts as they are revealed by empirical experience. More importantly, the judgment of what you perceive is based on no authority but your own. I hope I can help you to get involved in experiencing this.
First, get out of the habit of perceiving yourself as you can observe others. Look at your body: it disappears above your chest. You are almost headless. From this sensation comes the realization that you are using habitual labels to construct your body sensation.
You can continue the experiment by trying to close your eyes: follow your present experience and not memory, hearsay, or imagination. Ask yourself these questions: How tall am I? What shape am I? Could you be any size or shape? In the present, is the perception of being there separate from the world, or does it include the experience of the world?
You can also help yourself by trying to perceive the feeling of just one part of your body. Think about what it looks like. Where exactly are its boundaries: does it have a clear edge? Is this the sensation where your being stops? Are you limited by it, trapped in it, or are you this sensation?
At this point, there are two contradictory realities: The sensation of being, which is individual, silent, and intense, and the external reality of the other labels we give to ourselves, to sensations and experiences. Try to re-enter and patiently remain in the feeling of being: is it possible that something external, perceptible, can exist without this fundamental basis?
If I assume that I am only what I appear to be, neglecting my inner being, then I see all others as outside of me, distant and potentially threatening. I confront them first by trying to make my self-image stable; I identify with my appearance, my body, my nationality, my age, etc. Confrontation often leads to conflict and fear of others.
Here is how I did a shift in my relationships from attention to a feeling
Here’s how I changed my relationships, starting by freeing myself from illusions: I gradually brought attention to being into my daily activities and then into my social interactions. Can you feel right now, in this feeling, how the interactions of your day can affect you, how physical sensations and thoughts can have after-effects and effects on being?
Try one last experiment: Go back into the sensation and think of the name of a city. Did you know the name before you thought of it? Where did it come from? Where did it happen? Think of a planet. A friend. A country. Do these thoughts happen in some kind of container, or do they happen in the space of awareness, the feeling of being there?
When nothing leaves a trace in the feeling of being there, others cease to be a threat to our identity. This is also a great help in freeing ourselves from prejudices about what others will think or do in relation to our behavior: others renew themselves and become a source of stimulation, never boring or limiting because we are potentially always ourselves.
