Hearts, Flowers, Chocolates.

And a little bit of romance.

Three things that our eyes fix on during the 14th of February. Last ‘all hearts day’ has allowed me to see the broken ‘you’, which now has resulted to myself looking back at the past. A painful, emotional past.

Relationships has always been the weakness of my frail, little heart. The same heart has been all innocent and free from cracks until I entered high school…

1. My heart fell for the first time. It fell straight down a pit of emotions without sight of what’s deep down there. We kissed, we fought, we reconciled, and we compromised even the reason for our meeting: education. You were on your way getting ready to give yourself up to me. Yet I still found myself in the midst of cruel deceit. I cheated on you. You forgave, and still held on. But right before we’re almost reaching the end, I let go of your hand. I left you all alone to fall on your own. You hit the ground and I know it must have been painful. I actually chose not to compromise education the very end. I got your hopes high for nothing. What a dumb sadistic decision that my heart made. A foolish heart, indeed.

2. My heart was eager for more. Despite the fact that the first try has been very risky and regretful, my foolish heart insisted on continuing the pursuit of ‘love’. I found myself falling for someone out of my league, a woman on the platform with the same likes and wants as me. True enough, she was falling for me too. But my stupid heart chose to take the fast lane, the highway. I rushed into something I am not prepared for. I thought I had her beside me through the journey. Little did I know, with a single tilt of my head, I woke up from the dream I was living. You’re no longer there. You sidetracked. Or rather, you chose another path, one I am not part of. My mind could not assess the reason for such hurtful situation. Did you get tired? Or did you simply thought it was not worth it? Whatever. My own heart got my hopes high then downward a disgraceful crash. A foolish heart, indeed.

3. My heart longed for comfort and belonging that the last relationship failed to give. And so it decided to give ‘love’ another chance. This time I made it concrete sure that things are mutual. But I took it down low. I was only infatuated, hoping to find reciprocation of the feelings I had for another pretty face the last time around. Yet a few moments after, my heart was already on its way to a genuine mutual affinity. Same time when you realized that the crazy relationship we have won’t work out. So you let go of the tiny rope that we had, not saying anything, maybe not even looking back. The sad part is, I could have held onto it the longest time I can, tighter than before. I could have. But history repeated itself. When I looked, you were not there. I was already climbing on my own. How stupid of my heart to continue holding on the tiny rope we had when you’re long gone and moved on. A foolish heart, indeed.

4. My heart. Oh yes, I still have one. Months passed since you let go, but my fingertips are still touching the tiny rope. And finally, it let off. My hand’s now red, full with scratches. Took me some time to heal. Then there you go, my sad little heart captured by another pretty face again. A bipolar female this time around. Her shifting of thoughts is beyond my comprehension. It’s as if she always holds a bouquet of flowers, stripping off the petals, saying “I like him. I like him not.” I felt as if I was on a wheel, once in the top, next in the bottom. And the cycle repeats over again. I could not blame you. You make your own choices. I just thought that you will have one final decision someday. Even if that someday takes years to occur, I was ready to wait. And my patience bore fruit. Just not the ripe, sweet fruit I was expecting. You realized you like me also but won’t decide to pursue it anyway because another person might get hurt. It’s not like I am against keeping another girl safe from pain, but I just don’t get it. Why? The fruit was bitter. I consumed it anyway. The same way I endured the roller-coaster transition of emotions that you made me feel. A foolish heart, indeed.

(to be continued)