How To Find Beauty From The Ashes of Life
When I felt like dying, I ended up discovering the beauty around me
“What would it be like to die?”
There was something serene about the thought. Having all my anxieties suddenly disappear forever. It almost felt… comfortable.
Lying alone in my bathtub, I stared at the ceiling. I could feel the warm water on my skin, but it became cold the more I dwelt on my life. The more I sat dwelling on my problems, the more frigid the water seemed.
Perhaps I was disgusted with the things I’d seen, or the horrible circumstances surrounding certain events that made the water feel unwelcome as opposed to inviting. Maybe it was the shame and guilt. Whatever it was, the lies whispering to me won and held me captive. “You’re alone…. and this lonely life is your destiny.” Those thoughts and feelings only grew stronger the more I say in the water. I felt suffocated by a world in which I was living. And life certainly didn’t feel beautiful.
Instead, I wanted it all to wash away.
And so I went under.
I let the water overwhelm me as water filtered through my nostrils and into my lungs. I could feel myself choking while the water burned my insides and my air bubbles drifted to the surface. But the dark thoughts faded the more the water gripped me and the only thought I could muster was “Is this what drowning is like?”
But I didn’t want to die. I wanted an escape, so I burst forth from the water and gaped at the air. The air was pure, but life? Life was still the same. How was I to escape the darkness of my mind?
Chasing Beauty Forces You to Walk Out of Darkness
One afternoon — while with my brother — we called our stepfather and invited him to play disc golf. He loved the idea and I imagine he needed a break just as much as I did. A break to step away from the busyness of work and school. A break from being overwhelmed. A break from constantly trying to fix myself and my problems.
Spring had arrived and the warmth of the sun melted the frozenness of the winter months allowing for outdoor activities. Like everyone, I’d been longing for those perfect weather days.
But something was off.
We met at a church owned recreational park, which was one of our favorite disc golf courses. This would be the first time we’d played since last summer and I should have been excited — entertained even.
But I wasn’t even there.
I was trapped in my head discerning past trauma. I dwelled on how my school work I had to complete. I puzzled anxiously over the enigma of how I could improve my life. My head continued to spin while my stepfather and brother ran around laughing. But I was stuck on autopilot — going through the motions — and remained disconnected.
For just a moment, I noticed my brother running to pick up a disc he had just thrown. On the ground next to the disc, the ground shimmered with the fresh hints of spring.
I paused as I continued to watch my brother, then bent down and picked up a white dandelion. Sunlight reflected through the tiny spindles, painting them gold, as I held it in my hand. I put it to my lips and blew. Wind from my breath carried each seed lazily through the air as I watched them drift into the distance.
Watching the dandelion spores fade, I wondered where they were going and where they’d land. Then I contemplated if the simple action of taking a moment to blow on the dandelion would cause more to sprout?
As I watched my brother run alongside the seeds with a look of pure joy, I marveled that he was a living, breathing being with his joy singing the same notes as the wind. I sat entranced as I watched that wind weave through my brother’s hair, the dandelion spores, and the pines trees surrounding us. Like Neo in the movie the Matrix, I finally saw everything.
The world felt so vast and beautiful.
Sitting there looking at the surrounding beauty, I realized I didn’t want to dwell on the dark thoughts that plagued me. I wanted to dwell on the surrounding beauty.
I’m the guy that loves to backpack, loves to hike, and loves navigating the outdoors. I love to challenge myself to see the world, to find a beautiful destination, and to experience people I’ve never met. But somehow I lost sight of that.
It’s so easy to get overwhelmed by the small things in life — the homework, the car trouble, the medical bills, the breakup, the work, the work, and the work. We can get completely trapped in the noise we create. Whether it’s the hustle of inner-city traffic or the anxieties in our head, we forget to stay connected. We connect online instead of in person. We connect through pictures instead of out in nature. We connect through videos instead of adventuring.
Far too often we get immersed in the pages of the mundane parts of our life stories and grow anxious, fearful, and depressed. We wither and the book of our life becomes too unbearable to read. When suffering occurs, instead of looking at what’s still beautiful, we taint it with the things in our life that feel ugly.
But choosing to see, feel, and breathe beauty keeps us connected. It can drive away the darkest thoughts that hold our emotions hostage. It makes us focus on something different than just ourselves. The outside world is beautiful, and just maybe if we connect to it, we might view our life as beautiful.
So go outside.
Take a walk.
Breathe in the fresh air.
Look up at the sky above and notice the clouds and how each one takes its own shape.
Fix your gaze on the sky — that infinite ocean — and follow it down until it meets the earth you’re standing on.
There you are.
Look down at the grass and notice your feet. Take a step.
Just remember every time you put one foot in front of the other is a huge victory.
Then remember you’re alive. And life is beautiful.
“Take a course in good water and air; and in the eternal youth of Nature you may renew your own. Go quietly, alone; no harm will befall you.” — John Muir
Dig the writing and writers at HeartSupport? Follow our publication to support free articles, mental health, and a non-profit hell-bent on life transformation (Psst. You’ll also get notified of our latest releases!)
