Don’t Ask for the Truth If You Can’t Handle Hearing It
I recently had a close friend ask me to review the newest book he had written. I loved the book so I naturally obliged. His one request was that it be “HONEST” (he even capitalized and stressed that in his appeal). Knowing that a lot of people gather a coalition of friends around them to make a bigger bang on social media with only positive online reviews, I found it refreshing that he stressed realistic feedback.
So I gave him 4 stars.
As someone who loves words, sentences, and the way they capture our imagination (and can even move others towards action) I’m very reserved when I give a book five stars. In fact, in the past few years I’ve only read one book I’d consider giving five stars to and it happens to be a fantasy novel (of all things) that involves a young magician named Kvothe. The entire premise of the book seemed lame to me, but from the moment I started reading I couldn’t put it down. The imagery, tone, underlying and subtle life lessons that paralleled the human experience, and interesting characters all captivated me. That’s a five-star book. With my friend’s novel, the introduction was somewhat weak and took the first few chapters to get into. The publishers were sloppy as well and left a lot of repetitive phrases that could have quickly been edited. So in my review I chalked it up to poor publishing and the reason I gave it 4 stars, but still encouraged others to read it because I truly enjoyed the book.
Within a few hours, my review was taken down and all that was left were gushing five-star reviews.
At first I was frustrated and hurt. Didn’t he ask for an honest review? But after some time went by I realized the message under the message he sent me: “I don’t want your honesty, I want your affirmation so I can sell books. That’s why I asked you in the first place.” He wasn’t looking for the truth; he was looking for a marketing team to reach a goal. He just hadn’t been bold enough to say it.
A Coalition of Cowards
Bring Me the Horizon recently released a new single entitled “True Friends” with one of the catchy chorus lines being “True friends stab you in the front.” There’s nothing worse than getting stabbed in the back, but as they aptly stated in their song lyrics, a real friend will tell you the truth. You’ll even see it coming and often times it can hurt or wound.
The problem is that we often surround ourselves with cowards who whisper honey laced with cyanide in our ears while our ego grows destructive. We surround ourselves in group think. So when someone actually points to a character flaw, a way in which we hurt them, or inconsistencies in our lives we’re quick to run back to our coalition and have them take our side. Our coalition will tell us how the other person is wrong, jealous, a bitch, poser, or some other form of sabotage so that when they run to us when confronted with the truth, we’ll lace our words with insincere flattery to pay them back for their support.
I once heard a speaker say, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.” If you surround yourself with people who only sing your praises, you may just keep singing and marching to a beat that leads you right off a cliff. If you’re truly a friend hurt them with the truth but don’t comfort them with a lie.
When to Confront, When Not To
In a world where reviews and Facebook statuses are often as reliable as a chicken pecking away on a keyboard and viewed more as currency than gospel truth, it’s no wonder we can’t handle even the slightest criticism. It no wonder we run like a child sticking his fingers in his ears and screaming all the way towards our own destruction. It’s because we all know one simplistic fact deep in our guts; the truth hurts. Sometimes the truth is a slap. Other times it’s an atomic bomb. But in the face of our own shortcomings, one thing is certain…it’s never pleasant.
In my life, I’ve recognized two ways to deal with the difficult task of absorbing honesty as well as giving it.
- Take time to listen and reflect. They’re doing this out of love, not maliciousness.
One of my favorite games to play when confronted with my junk is to point out other people’s flaws. Everything within me wants to point to everything they’re screwing up in their life. But one day I had an epiphany. If they really love me, then they’re going to tell me things I don’t want to hear because they don’t want to see me hurt. If they don’t love me then just like a dealer handing an addict more cocaine, they’ll let me stay where I’m at and snowball. Often times if I take the time to reflect and really take to heart what they’re saying, most times I discover they’re right. - If they can’t handle the truth, don’t offer it anymore.
There are a few people in my life in which I’ve had to change the nature of my relationship due to their inability to hear/receive the truth. It’s like an intervention with an addict who refuses to keep using. They may hear it, but nothing is going to change their patterns. Naturally, the relationship has to change. They may ask for your advice often and the topics can range from how to handle a family member to a boyfriend or girlfriend. You may notice that regardless of what sound, loving advice you offer they either become offended or continually choose toxic relationships. Like a dog returns to its vomit, so does your friend….even after you’ve told them “hey, you’re eating vomit.” Your next conversation with them may be simply saying, “We’ve discussed this numerous times before and nothing’s changed, so I’m going to respectfully decline talking about this.” They may become furious. They may plead. But don’t give in. It’s another form of truth they need to hear that hopefully results in them changing their behavior.
Of course, none of this easy and why so often we surround ourselves with like-minded individuals that tip-toe around the glaring inconsistencies in our lives. Our celebrities, politicians, and people we look up to often do it, so we follow in step. But in an age where we’re desperate for authenticity, even though our voice may tremble when we speak the truth, people will respect you for it. And others may hate you. Just remember, you can tell a man anything. How they receive it is all in how you say it.
Speak the truth in kindness and love. Leave the maliciousness for the dogs of war.
