Girl Friendships and Why They Don’t Have to Suck

I never had much luck in my friendships with other girls.

There was always some sort of drama, and I wasn’t blameless either. Some girls would seemingly sell secrets about others in order to fit in with the “in” crowd. Some would sleep with their best friend’s boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. Some would play the best friend one day and the enemy the next. Some would spend all of her time comparing herself to her best friend, too preoccupied with her insecurity to ever be able to focus on anyone else.

A few friendships comes to mind, specifically two. After switching schools I became very close friends with a girl named Anna. Like most friendships, our relationship was built on trust and a feeling of understanding for one another. But also like most friendships, our relationship was built upon mutual jealousy for one another. Both of us struggled with pretty crippling eating disorders, and each of us were silently competing to be the most “successful” bulimic. We silently tricked each other into overeating to make ourselves feel better. And the worst part was I thought it was normal. We’d lie and complain about each other when the other wasn’t there, but when confronted would swear on our fierce loyalty to our friendship.

Another friend was Britney. Britney started off as a great friend; she was always asking to hang out, always having parties, always asking about me. I thought she was the answer to all of my “best-friend” prayers. But quickly something started to seem off. Every friend I made, Britney told me why they weren’t a good choice. She told me that she was the only friend I could trust. She isolated me in order to be the only friend I pledged allegiance to. We would spend hours with other friends only to get in the car and gossip about everything. Their hair, their clothes, their family, their shortcomings, anything that made us feel better about our imperfections. After all, at least we weren’t “that bad”. Our friendship ended when I realized that Britney didn’t just gossip about everyone else, but she was saying those same things about me. I was devastated, and obviously vented by saying absolutely terrible things about her to anyone who would listen. It was ugly, it was childish, but it felt like sweet revenge.

I’m sure that there were girls capable of being good friends in my school, but I wasn’t finding them. And to be honest, I wasn’t anywhere close to being a good friend either. I then decided that the solution to my problems would be to ditch girls and just be friends with guys. But that’s when I realized how difficult it is to be “just friends” with anyone of the opposite gender. There are exceptions, however I was not one. No matter how many “just friend” guy friends I had, it seemed that at one point down the road, one of us would lead the other on. I finally found the friends I thought I needed, only to have them plucked away because of some sort of romantic confusion. Without outwardly saying anything, I withdrew from friendships as a whole and put everything I had into my relationship with my boyfriend at the time.

In college I joined a traveling band. There were four girls (including myself) and five guys, all who loved music and were all eager to hit the road. However, I was going to be the only freshman on the team, and it is an understatement to say I was terrified. My only best friend was my boyfriend, who was three hours away. The band would spend ten hour days, sometimes longer, in rehearsal and then we would spend the rest of our summer at camps and churches that didn’t have good cellphone reception. My only option for solid friendship would be if I forced myself into relationship with my band.

But before I even had a chance to work myself up, our keyboardist, a girl named Emily with a black pixie cut and big glasses, reached out to me. She was kind to me and asked me to stay at her apartment. She said she was excited to get to know me. We texted about every day, I annoyed her with questions about college, I crashed at her place, I told her secrets. The day I moved into the apartment with the other girls from the band, I was so excited to spend more time with Emily.

As the summer went on, we grew closer as a whole band. But Emily was still the closest female friend I had ever had. I invited her back to my hometown and she called my mom “mom”. She and another band member sat with me as I called to break up with my boyfriend of two years. Emily was there for every tear that summer, and she was also there for every victory. But it was with Emily that I realized that true friendship isn’t complacency with one another. Emily challenged me. If I did something that didn’t sit well with her, she’d say it to me. When I was wrong about something, she’d say “you’re wrong” to me. When she didn’t agree with something I said, she’d tell me and then proceed to make me, someone who hates confrontation, talk it out. But what was crazy to me was how she wouldn’t gossip about it to everyone who had an ear to lend, she’d bring it straight to me. And it wasn’t just that way with me. She was that way for everyone. It was absolutely amazing to me, but it also absolutely scared the crap out of me. Being 100% honest and vulnerable with one person was terrifying. And I knew that’s what was going to happen as the friendship deepened.

So at the start of the fall semester, I didn’t talk to Emily very much anymore. I was a really terrible friend. I made new freshman friends and would see Emily on the weekends we traveled. And then I started dating someone, and I knew she would call me out because I was in no way ready to be in that relationship (not to mention that dating him was like dating myself, and that’s a blog post for a different time). She pushed me, and I was afraid to be pushed. I wanted to just stay comfortable.

That following spring semester was the hardest few months of my life. I changed majors three times, was on antidepressants, was the lead in the musical which absolutely demolished my grades, was one of four alleged victims in a Title IX case, and dropped out of school one month early because of it. My friends seemed to scramble. Searching for a friend I knew would be on my team, I sought out Emily. And she hugged me and cried with me and screamed with me. She arranged for my band to surprise me at my house. She texted me to ask about me. She encouraged me. She supported me. She was the only friend who was consistent through the entire time, picking me up and carrying me when I couldn’t walk anymore.

Since I met Emily, I’ve been able to make a lot of solid friends. And in a weird way, I credit that all to her. She was the friend I needed in the times I needed her most. When everyone else stepped away, she stepped forward. I have learned what friendship really means. It’s not like on TV-sitcoms where everyone laughs and jokes and bounces back easily. Friendship is getting in the messy together and pushing each other to work through it. Friendship doesn’t stand by passively and allow you to wallow in self-pity and self-righteousness. Friendship slaps your arm and says “You are better than this, and you deserve better than this.” Friendship cries when you’re crying. Friendship drives ten minutes to kill a bug in your apartment when you hate bugs. Friendship doesn’t turn it’s back when you need it most.

I’ve seen comparison games and blatant backstabbing come out of so many friendships, and from first hand experience I can say that no matter how many people tell you that “it’s a girl thing” or “you’ll have that with any girl” that’s a blatant lie. Friendship should be a safe place. If it isn’t, we need to take a step back and reevaluate our motives and why we are remaining in a toxic relationship to begin with. When we surround ourselves with crud, we also will become toxic. By remaining in hateful relationships and participating in gossip and disloyalty, we aren’t doing charity for the unloveable. We are encouraging those same people to remain in toxic ways. You are not doing a disservice by stepping away from them — you are doing something both painful and necessary in order to keep yourself safe. Surround yourself with people who encourage you to be the absolute best friend and human that you can possibly be. And there are good friends out there. I met my Emily. And if you haven’t, I know you’ll meet yours one day, too.

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