My Friend Lost His Life to Suicide, But He Saved Mine
When my best friend took his life, I found reasons to live
At age 19, I attended my best friend’s funeral. I stood on the wooden stage of a church and sang Swing Life Away by the band Rise Against. Holding back tears, I realized I would never hear Will sing this melody again.
Never again would I see him mindlessly pluck the opening notes on his guitar while we wrote terrible lyrics about lunch ladies and Spiderman during band practice. He would never again quiet my tears by humming the song that had somehow become ours. He would never again sing on my voicemail. Or in the car. Or at the church I was now standing in. His voice — always chiming in on the chorus — was absent. The silence, deafening.
The loss of Will’s influence was tangible to everyone in the room. When I close my eyes, I can still hear Will’s father wail. His anguish a mix of grief and guilt for leaving Will alone with a gun he would use to end his life. I still remember the feeling of his sister’s arms around me, confirming what I‘d always known — Will loved me deeply. Even now, I can see the cuts on my wrist. Like Will, wanting to die was something all too familiar.
This memory — although the saddest I have — saved my life.
Will’s death taught me how to live. And it taught me how to love.
Will loved people in the most beautiful way. He loved the way God loves — unconditionally. He loved fearlessly, in a way that knew no bounds or need for reciprocation. Will forgave constantly and lauded others with praise. But his life was also difficult, and was a life full of substances, self-hate, and self-harm. Yet, those issues never reflected the way he treated everyone. It wasn’t until his death I realized how much his love shaped me, and now that he was gone, it was my duty to continue his legacy of love.
Will’s death didn‘t stop my suicidal ideations or desires I often harbor in my mind on bad days. It didn’t stop my depression from consuming days of my life or my anxiety from making me breathless. But it did stop any notion I would ever act on the desire to die.
For a long while, Will’s death carried tremendous guilt. I had thoughts like, “I should have been a better friend,” “I should have been more forgiving,” or “I should have reached out more.” Those thoughts filled every corner of my mind. Something unexpected happened though. Those what-ifs and regrets lit a fire to spread love and hope to others.
Even after his death, Will’s love continues to save me, because I now believe love for one another will be what saves us all. This belief is why I have my favorite words from Swing Life Away tattooed on my bicep — If love is a labor, I’ll slave ’til the end. This lyric serves as a constant reminder that love can give someone the hope they need and that spreading love is a worthy cause.
That may sound vague, but it’s quite simple. Love doesn’t lie in grand gestures or declarations to keep someone alive. It lies in tiny moments, especially in the way we support each other in the mundane.
The world could use more loving people like Will I’ve realized. So maybe this week we do something — just one thing — to spread love and hope into a society that needs it. If you don’t know where to start maybe try something from this list:
- Write someone a handwritten note
- Bring a friend their favorite treat on a bad day
- Call someone you haven’t talked to in a while
- Send a text that reads “Thinking of you! Hope you’re having a great day.”
- Make a friend a playlist
- Check in with a friend about a problem they mentioned to you, just to see how they are doing
- Send flowers
- Ask an old friend to coffee, lunch, dinner, or church even
- Smile at a stranger on the street
- Compliment someone on a non-physical attribute
- Send a thank you note
- Ask someone you don’t see often to go for a walk, then visit a museum or study
- Send a friend a random appreciation post on social media
- Give a co-worker or team member a shout-out during a meeting
- Volunteer
- Visit a nursing home
- Bring a friend coffee at their job
Although there will always be painful times and struggles, we must remember that small acts of love — just like the ones listed — have tremendous power. Today, find your own way to spread love. You just might find out how powerful love actually is.
This week is National Suicide Prevention Week. If you’re struggling, we’re not going to tell you to call a hotline. Instead, join our community or watch/attend a live stream to talk with other people who’ve been there and can support/encourage you.
