Not You, Not You, Wait… Maybe It’s Me
I kept bouncing from relationship to relationship wondering why she wasn’t “it,” when I didn’t even know what “it” is.
The life of singleness is never something I’ve strongly wrestled with until recently.
As a teenager I was more affected and distracted by the split of my parents. As a college student I was more concerned about my future and my faith. And it actually wasn’t until last year—at 23—that I had my first girlfriend.
It was the first time I loved so passionately and loved so blindly. The power of that relationship opened many doors in my heart I hadn’t even known existed. Some of which I wished I hadn’t become aware of. There’s a door I look through day after day enjoying the warm summer breeze that blows in. It reminds me of the true joy of a sincere relationship. From another I gain motivation and energy to keep working harder as I hear her words of faith and belief.
But then there are other doorways that I have partitioned off with Caution signs and red tape. They’re the ones that lead to hurt and regret. The ones that made me realize the depth of heartache.
And then there are a few that roar like a chained beast because in fact that is what they are. No matter how desperately I try, I can’t seem to close them. The desire to be loved and to be needed, the seeming necessity that we are only half of what we’re meant to be, the sexual impulses and cravings, and the hunger to be romantically loved.
This past year I moved to New York city, a city of dreams, the city of my dreams. Since I was a child the dream involved being in the greatest city in the world where the world’s greats gathered. It involved me growing and learning. It was me starting my business and meeting great friends and amazing mentors. What wasn’t at the top of the list was finding a girlfriend or being a part of the dating scene.
And yet I look back at the past 6 months I’ve been here and see a pattern playing out that startles me. I look at where my money has went, where my time was invested and see the spread of my priorities. I have met more girls in these past 6 months than I have in my whole life. I go from one after the other thinking to myself, “You’re not it, you’re not it. Why aren’t you it?”
And I don’t even know what it is.
I’m confused by what I’m doing. I’m perplexed by why I might be doing it and most of all, I’m sad that I’m doing it. And then I realized, it wasn’t any of them that were the problem, but me.
The whole time, I had been letting the beasts I unleashed run wild without keeping check on them. Both consciously and unconsciously I was hoping to feed their appetites. Because here, in this place, I began to feel solitude. Here, in this place, I began to feel left out. Here, in this place, I began to miss the feeling of being wanted.
It’s not to say that our relationships aren’t good and necessary, but that some of them might not be as critical as we think. Our affections might not be as genuine as we feel in the moment. And if we just took a moment to reflect on it, we might be able to save ourselves and the people we touch a lot of time, heartache, and tears. Because instead of the problem being with them it might very well be with us.
We who are filled with scars, we who might not know how much hurt we have, or we who aren’t ready for another sincere relationship. Instead of looking towards someone else to complete us and satisfy us, we have to be whole in order to give ourselves fully in a relationship. The worst thing to happen to us is that we miss out on the best one for us because we were too busy trying to fill in the missing puzzle pieces in our hearts.
In truth, I don’t know what it means or feels like to be ready and complete and I for sure know how difficult it will be to change habits. But I do know that it starts with a mindset. That instead of finding someone who suits me or seems right to me, I need to acknowledge that it’s me who needs working on.
At the end of the day, I want to be with someone that I can deeply care for, someone who doesn’t have to satisfy any of my requests or conditions, someone who’s presence obliterates my list of must-haves. But I realize there’s a role I have to play and preparations I have to make.
Pleasure doesn’t bring contentment and dependence doesn’t supersede trust. Emotions don’t equal love and deception never produces sacrifice. But a mended heart creates life.
If you like this, check out Anthony’s other writing at ARichJourney.com
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