Singleness: The “Disease” No One Seems to Want to Catch
I woke up to see my obese cat curled into the side of my face. I chuckled and gave her a few tummy rubs before jumping out of my bed and wiggling my toes in the apartment carpet before stretching my hands above my head and yawning. It was Saturday. Last night I curled up on my couch and watched Donnie Darko for the first time because my friends were on double dates or just busy. While watching the movie I had commented numerous time to my fat cat about how trippy the movie was. She stared at me indifferently and rolled on her back demanding more tummy rubs to which I happily obliged. “Maybe I was becoming the crazy cat lady…just the male version,” I pondered.
As I moved from my bedroom to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee I began to mentally run through my Saturday plans and realized I had none. Absolutely ZERO. So I put on my headphones, gym clothes, and decided to go on a run in hill country for a few hours. I ended up on the top of a hill admiring trees and clear blue skies while I sat perched on top of a rock. I felt amazing and was happily content, but there was a nagging feeling that kept pushing itself to the forefront of my mind. I am utterly alone…and very single…and everyone else seems to have someone. I had been single for over a year now and was happy, but every once in a while I would hear the comment every single person dreads: “You’re single!? Why?”
Someone once told me “Singleness is a gift!” My immediate thought was “There’s been a mistake. I’d like to return the gift, please.” It’s not like I had planned it. I wanted to be in a relationship, but had also been in a string of toxic relationships and had ultimately realized I may not be the healthiest person to be dating someone currently. In the past, I had spent my energy trying not to be single. My friends and I would plan our weekends getting drunk and seeing if we could pick up girls at the local bar. The pursuit of not being single was what I chased in life and what I put most of my time and energy into. My job and friendships were secondary. Get out of the singleness bubble and then I will be content I told myself. Inevitably, it left me feeling more alone and thanks to the helpful advice of some close friends I refocused my energy and thus began an almost two-year journey into singleness. Not only did I not date, but was also celibate (yes, for real) and no longer viewing porn. I was walking an unknown road.
In society today, singleness can often be viewed like you’ve caught leprosy. In antiquity, lepers had to walk around yelling “Unclean! Unclean!” to warn the masses of their infectious disease. Singles have a tendency to do the same by letting those around them know just how single they are. Leprosy was also viewed as punishment from a divine being because of sin, karma, or some other cosmic consequence, and many single people with particularly religious backgrounds view their singleness the same way: divine punishment or indifference. Perhaps even more disconcerting is the fact that in terms of a religious standpoint, my faith (Christianity) perhaps has the largest crowd of singles moping around and asking God “whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.” Just simply google the word “Singleness” and you’ll see the entire first page of results is all Christian self-help on how to navigate the icky disease of singleness.
Go ahead and google it…I’ll wait.
In fact, I had a hard time finding any blogs on singleness period that weren’t somewhat addressed to Christian singles and how they could ease the “pain” of being single. I find it strange that we’re having to address hoards of single people in the church freaking out about being single instead of addressing more pressing issues in the faith like serving the poor, loving your neighbor, and helping the marginalized and oppressed (But I digress, that’s not the point of this blog). While I understand the sting of loneliness and desire for a companion, any time you take a desire and make it ultimate, you end up quite disappointed.
Making the Best of Your Time
The first mistake I had initially made being single was that I invested all my time into finding a companion. A friend once told me it’s like having baskets that you put your eggs in. One of those baskets is the “relationship basket.” As a single I began to take all my eggs and move them from my friendship basket, family basket, free time basket, travel basket, and put them all in my relationship basket. Eventually those eggs got smashed to pieces in the relationship basket and when I tried to move my eggs back over into the other baskets it was a giant, goopy mess that spilled out onto my friends, family, and work. His point was “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” as the saying goes.
What a lot of people don’t necessarily realize is that getting married limits what you can do. Not in a bad way, but you give up certain freedoms for love. Things like going out whenever you want. Watching the game with friends. Traveling. Having control over your finances. And when you start dating you get little glimpses of this. When I finally started dating I remember at one point thinking, “Where the hell is all my money going? Girlfriends are expensive…” What’s ironic is that once you’re dating or married you have a tendency to slip back into a single mindset because you miss the autonomy and freedom. Just this weekend, I went to a concert where some friends of mine were playing and didn’t bother to tell my wife where I was. I felt that old rush of freedom and it felt good. About 4 hours later I received a concerned text that read “WHERE ARE YOU?” and immediately realized I had been irresponsible and probably hurt my wife’s feelings. When you’re dating or married it’s like being a little kid again and letting your mom know you’re going to play at your friend’s house. Otherwise your significant other assumes the worst: you’re probably dead in an alley and all your organs are being sold on the black market.
That was the great thing about being single. The free time I had to my advantage and was what ultimately changed the way I viewed singleness also. When I refocused on what I thought I was missing out on and used my time to my advantage, life got really beautiful.
During my time of singleness I became a mentor to lots of teenagers. I was terrified of writing and public speaking, but got a mentor and learned to overcome that fear and cultivate dormant gifts. I learned how to code websites. I went on trips with friends where I laughed till I cried. I enjoyed sunsets only I got to see on top of mountains and hills that were special only to me. I helped serve the poor and raise money for causes. I made new friends. I failed at a lot of things I tried, but also learned lessons along the way. I even sang in a band for a while.
My desire for a companion was still there and I felt the tinges of loneliness like everyone else does, but those feelings were often dwarfed by how alive I felt. Most times, I was too busy and having too much fun to dwell on it because I was willing to risk being alone in order to feel alive. I came to the conclusion that if singleness feels like a disease that’s consuming my life, then maybe I didn’t have enough that’s filling it.
Change Your World
Many of us want to change the world and married people often look back to a time when they had the time to make a difference and how they punted on that opportunity. “If I had just used my time more effectively…” we think. The world won’t change if we pour our energy into looking for another person. Instead we must be the change in the world we want to see and being single often affords us the freedom to do just that.
I’m willing to bet that there are singles reading this that have amazing dreams, goals, and aspirations. What better time to start using your time to accomplish them. What better time to start chasing the desires you hold deep in your heart?
Perhaps the question you need to ask to begin that process is, “What do I care about?”
Is it refugees? The homeless? Fighting against sex-trafficking? Mentoring kids? Music? Traveling? Animals? Many of the things we are passionate about afford us the opportunity to fill our time with. Often times, many of the organizations we’re passionate about are looking for people like us.
A friend of mine recently graduated from college and landed a good job, but living in a new town and being single gave him a lot of free time. Asking what he should do with his time, I found out he was extremely passionate about combating sex trafficking. After some encouragement he applied to volunteer for an organization that is on the frontlines of rescuing men and women out of sex slavery. He could have stayed home, kept working, and chased after girls. Instead he chose to realign his priorities and fight for something he was passionate about.
None of this is easy. If it were, being single wouldn’t be such a big deal these days. Don’t get me wrong; it’s healthy to want a companion. It’s just unhealthy when it becomes the thing you dwell on in order to feel fulfilled.
Instead, fight for passion. Fight to use your time wisely. Fight for your goals.
And when the time comes to have another person enter your life? You’ll be ready to fight for them too.
