The Subtle Lies Singleness Whispers to You
“You don’t understand what it’s like — you have a boyfriend.”
-The cry of the single millennial to the millennial in a relationship.
It was my cry for years. They (people in relationships) don’t get it. If you’re in a relationship, your problems are few. You have less heartache. Your life is altogether better, right? Being in a relationship fixes everything, it’s a fact. So when I got into relationship, I knew life was about to get a whoooole lot easier.
I was wrong. Wrong. Wrong. WRONG.
I cannot even begin to tell you how wrong I was. How wrong the media portrays relationships, how wrong our expectations for relationships are. Don’t misunderstand me — I don’t regret getting into my relationship at all. I am quite happy. However, I wish I didn’t spend years looking for the next relationship believing my life wasn’t full because I didn’t have someone on my arm at Thanksgiving. I know I’m not the only person that has ever felt like I NEEDED someone, too. So I think it’s time to debunk the lies for those of us lamenting over the idea that we need a relationship in order for life to start.
“Being in a relationship will take the edge off the pain I feel.”
This is probably the easiest lie to believe. When you are in the center of pain, loneliness, depression, anxiety, addiction, etc., it feels like having a significant other will take that edge off. I won’t lie, it may for a little while. However, once the honeymoon phase wears off, you’ll realize all you’ve done was bury it for a time being. It sucks to walk through difficult life situations, but having a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t fix that. It’s true that people who support you are an essential part of recovering, but it is hard to recover while also trying to support a significant other. It is incredibly difficult to focus on someone else when you are going through a time in which you need to be focusing on healing. It isn’t impossible, but it’s incredibly challenging. I can tell you from experience in my own relationship that it isn’t simple. Humans take the pain of those we care for very personally. I honestly wish I would have been able to heal more before beginning my relationship. I don’t regret it, but I will tell you that dating did not cure or give me respite from my depression. Additionally, it’s not an easy burden for him to carry walking alongside me in this process. Pain will heal, but it will not heal because of an Instagram-worthy selfie with your new boo-thing. It begins to heal by recognizing the source of your pain and sorting through what is toxic and what is healthy in your life.
“Being in a relationship is so much more fun than being single.”
I love date nights. But since we’re being honest here, my date nights often look a lot like any average night before I started dating my boyfriend. Lots of Netflix, Chipotle, and naps. It probably has something to do with the fact that I am the lamest and laziest girlfriend alive, but like lots of young people, I’m a busy. When I’m not hanging out with my boyfriend, I’m at work, school, or writing. So when we do hang out, most times I just want to chill. Of course I have fun when I’m with him because I care about him, but I also have fun when I hang out with my best friend. Or when I watch the nightly news and knit. Point being, there’s a lot of ways to have fun.
Sometimes it’s easier to have fun when you don’t have someone worried about you. I cannot tell you how many times there’s been little fights because one of us wanted to do something we thought was fun and the other was worried about their prospective demise. (To be fair though, I just wanted to go snorkeling. He, however, wanted to take a picture sitting on the concrete half-wall on the top of a 14 story parking garage while his sister held him steady by his belt loops.) Your life can be just as fun single as it can in a relationship. And I wish someone told me that when I wasn’t dating anyone.
“Being in a relationship is a cure to loneliness.”
This is a hard one to explain somewhat. Loneliness can occur in long distance relationships (much how mine currently is), given that a couple may only get to see each other on weekends. I also understand that having someone to rely on seems to steward a sense of comfort when you have a “constant” in your life. However, I am a firm believer that, many times, loneliness is a mindset of isolation, not a lack of people who care deeply for you. While this is not always the case, more often than not, when I feel lonely, I am the one who has ostracized myself from community. For instance, when I walk into a room of new people, I will already assume that everyone in that room doesn’t like me. Because of that mindset, I instantly feel lonely when in a group of new people, and other times even when I’m with my close friends.
Even better is when your best friend doesn’t respond for hours, and you naturally assume it’s because they don’t want to be friends anymore (is that just me???). Once in a relationship, that thinking often intensified, and I still struggled with loneliness. I often have to remind myself that it’s not me against the world, but instead, the world is a place full of people trying to find their way. The world is full of people who feel just like me. I don’t need to be afraid of them either. This truth has been one of the most beneficial reminders for me when I start to feel alone. Being single does not make you alone. I discovered some of my best friends during my period of singleness and created memories that only we have together. I only felt lonely when I gave into the lie that they would be better off without me.
Lastly, I don’t want to dismiss that it’s hard being single when everyone around you has a relationship that’s flourishing. I don’t want to tell you that any pain you feel is because you’re foolish for wanting a significant other. If there’s one thing I want you to take away it’s this: You will gain no value, nor will you lose any value, based on your relationship status. You are important because you’re you, not because of who you're with. You have a unique purpose that another human being cannot fulfill in his or her lifetime. And while it’s important to have relationships in your life, they don’t have to be romantic to prove you’re worthy of attention.
Don’t wait to change the world until you find “the one” — the world needs you now.
