Why Taking the “High-Road” Won’t Stop Your Friend’s Gossip
Staying silent while others are mocked only means we agree with them
When a boy took advantage of me, she was the one I texted for advice.
Sarah had been my go-to for everything. When my parents got divorced, she was who I cried to. She always lent an ear, and even let me come over for ice cream and a dip in the hot tub.
But all that changed.
As time passed, I started to hear the things she was saying when I wasn’t around. The lies were hurtful and almost broke up a relationship I had been in for two years. Everyone knows what it’s like to get stabbed in the back, but no matter how much it hurt, I couldn’t bring myself to confront her.
I’ll take the high road. She was only saying it about me after all, right? If I brought it up it could damage our relationship. I’ll just keep quiet so I don’t ruffle feathers, I would tell myself.
Sound familiar? The idea that “letting the storm blow over” will somehow also blow away the problem at hand? Given the amount of nauseating idioms on the idea of keeping quiet seems to be an indicator that this is an idea we all have been exposed to, and sometimes may conform to. You would not believe the amount of ridiculous meals I have consumed, faulty dresses I have hanging in my closet, and terrible haircuts I claimed were “just what I wanted!” all for the sake of keeping the peace. I wish I could say that this bad habit was contained within the confines of consumer goods, but it’s also contaminated my social life as well. Walking on egg shells isn’t a foreign concept for most. But why do most of us do it? Why are we afraid to speak up?
Silence has gotten a reputation for being the surefire way to avoid conflict. We decide that keeping quiet and not making waves is the way to be the bigger person. Then, when others treat us less-than-pleasantly, we have a tendency to allow it. Confrontation is scary because most of us don’t want to be perceived as the bad guy. Or we fear confrontation knowing the full weight of a tongue-lashing that awaits us from the person who’s already wounded us. I know I have a hard time standing up for myself because I feel like I need to focus on the other person. Keeping peace means keeping conflict distant.
I saw Sarah this year again.
Despite my better judgement, I eased back into our friendship without ever addressing what happened. Before I knew it we were having girls’ night, talking about boys, and laughing at odd Netflix series. Maybe Sarah was going to be the friend I met in high school, before everything hit the fan. Maybe she’d grown even?
I should have known better. As she integrated into groups I hung out in, she began getting close with some other girls. At first I was a little jealous, but then made deeper connections with another girl we had been hanging out with. As time passed the same behavior emerged, only this time she began talking about everyone. She started disclosing their weaknesses, quirks, and dark secrets. She threw around their insecurities and tore them apart. Listening to her do this, it hit me: Is this exactly what she did to me? The more she gossiped, the more it was confirmed. Another girl and I wanted to shut it down. We were hurt. Both of us had been victims of her wayward tongue, but neither of us had the courage to speak up.
What if I told you silence actually made the situation worse? That “ruffling feathers” is necessary to get through to someone that their actions were hurtful? Some people seek to belittle and mock. Oftentimes it can be because of their own inner wounds. But it wasn’t just Sarah who was wrong in this situation. I was too. Many of us suffer unjustly not because of violence or evil people, but because we chose to remain silent when we could have spoke up.
Silence can feel like the “high road”, and sometimes is in the face of ignorance, but most of the time it’s a cop out. We delude ourselves thinking our silence is our protest — we’re proud of ourselves because we scrolled through Instagram while everyone else gossiped. Our silence gives consent, whereas, to make a difference, it will require words.
The first time I ever stood up for someone in a conversation, I was horrified that I had. The group of girls I was sitting with stared blankly while I felt my face flush. I knew there was the possibility of becoming the topic of the next conversation. While that people pleaser in me wanted to shrivel up and die, there was a part that was proud. While I embarrassed my friends and myself for standing up for someone, I knew I did right the right thing. By squashing my fear and saying something, however, it allowed us to realize our gossip was out of hand. After that day, I realized the “high road” wasn’t something to always be proud of or praised. Instead, I discovered it takes courage to speak up in place of complacency. And when we do that, it gives other people the courage to make a stand as well.
Don’t stay silent. Speak up even when it’s not the popular thing to do.
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