How to lick a pussy: A quick guide to Cunnilingus

My boyfriend doesn’t go “down there” enough, but he’s more than happy to practically demand oral sex at least twice a week. Is there anything I can do to get some more tongue action?

Cheryl, Atlanta,

If you’re not gonna ask for it by name Cherylingus — how can we expect a genius like Suck My Dick to step up to the plate and lick it clean? For all SMD knows “down there” could mean Australia for Christ’s sake. Repeat after me Cherylingus, “Eat my pussy you underemployed nothin’-better-to-do motherfucker — eat it now. Note: even if he’s not underemployed, adding “nothin’better-to-do motherfucker” lends credibility to any argument — thereby putting the onus on SMD to not only eat your pussy more often, but go out and get a better paying job.

Or you know, you could engage SMD in a more subtle campaign of vaginal awareness. Pull a “Close Encounters of the Pussy Kind” — sculpting a big helping of mashed potatoes into a big gravy-coated love muffin — then eat without the use of fork — in the exact manner in which you want SMD to trifle on your lily. If that doesn’t work, consider undergoing the somewhat controversial “make my pussy taste like a Snickers Bar” procedure — everybody eats those fuckin’ things.

Ultimately none of this shit’s gonna work and you’re gonna have to get a new boyfriend girlfriend, this one sucks — and suckin’ ain’t quite the same thing as lickin’ now is it.

Frank