Aikido and Resilience in the Time of Covid: following my path.
What a weird time the last several months have been. If you are anything like me you have been sitting at home wondering what each day will bring. In the beginning I was afraid. Afraid of the disease, of other people, and of the uncertainty that is inevitable right now. As time has passed that has changed, however. I am no longer afraid and am finding the resilience I had lost. Here is why.
With basically three months to sit and think I have gotten to know myself pretty well. Unlike many, I do not have family to contend with, or children to teach. I have been isolated with my self and noone else. Through the various stages of grief I realized that my resilience was not what I had hoped it would be. I was not yet strong enough to deal with months of being alone(especially during a heated politacal cycle) and not being able to touch other human beings…yes, I am a hugger, so this is a pain previously thought to be worse than death.
As I passed through the phase of deep depression and loss that the grief cycle brought forth within me I began to find a deeper calm, strength, and sense of connection. I found it in three places.
First, I found it in the connections with family and friends that I have cultivated over time. My parents, my churchmates, friends that have my back, and my dojo. I began to see how the hours of time spent building those bonds pulled most of us together in trying times. Even friends from far away were there when I needed help. I especially noted the deep connections formed with people I know from Aikido. People from around the world connected with me in amazing ways as we helped each other cope with the loss of normalacy and the discomfort of whatever this new world is.
I also saw, however, how in many cases bonds that I thought had been firmly forged were not really there. How some relationships were superficial and based on fleating connections that could not weather this test. This showed me how important true connection is. How important it is to invest in those that want to invest in you. But also to realize that not every act of compassion needs to have reciprocity and how I can be kind even when others are not.
Second, I found strength and calm within myself. Through this struggle, whether it was small or large matters not, I found deep inside of me a strength that I had forgotten. I found an ability to persevere and continue in the face of adversity, that may have always been there, but that I had definitely forgotten. I now remember the part of me that knows how to be creative, find new answers, and ask for help. I also remember the part of me that knows how to soothe my own soul and calm my own fears.
This didn’t just appear. I had to work to unearth these memories through figuring out how to fix things, find needed items and doing hours of meditation and countless repetitions of very basic Aikido moves. I had to become self sufficient again. I now have a very small sense of what my teacher must have gained from his several years of solo practice as he served in Iraq and Afghanistan. A small piece of the ability to keep moving despite fear, discomfort and frankly boredom. Through that realization I gained connection to the compassion within me and the deeply ingrained creative problem solver that can survive despite my ego’s best efforts to stop me.
Third, I found it in my lineage. Not just my Aikido lineage, though it is there. I found it in the thoughts of my grandparents and great grandparents who endured much worse, many times over throughout their lives. I found strength in the knowledge that people for milenia have been able to adapt to major changes in the world and have moved forward. Not all individuals make it, but as a whole we do. I thought about my grandparents fighting in World War II after growing up in the Depression. I thought about my great grandmother who died in her home alone after having weathered WWI, the Spanish Flu, The Great Depression, WWII, Korea, Vietnam, and the loss of her beloved husband. She chose to live on inspite of the hardships she faced. I thought of my Grandmother living on her own for a decade after grandpa died and the time she fell and broke her arm and had to crawl up the stairs to the phone to call for help. The fortitude that that took.
Finally, I found strength in my faith in greater connection. For me that is God. For others it might have another name. The larger connection that we share with each other, with the plants and animals, with the Earth itself. We are never alone. Not all people can be counted on indvidually, but I do believe that people as a whole can be. That the universal spirit carries on, whatever awefulness we are trudging through.
While I would not wish this period on others, I choose to see this time as a time of growth and reflection for me. A time to find something deeper, a resilience and strength born of perseverance and love. I choose to live and to continue.
