Approaching a Threshold and Finding my Balance…
The past year or so I have been dealing with an injury that has thrown me off balance in oh so many ways. First, it is an injury to my legs… and as you might guess, that affects my literal balance. This fact has affected my ability to participate in Aikido, the art that keeps me sane and keeps me emotionally balanced. Second, dealing with the potential loss of my ability to train in my art and the fact that I in deed am not indestructible, has shaken the very foundation of my confidence and independence.
About four years ago I started studying Aikido because I wanted to learn how to stay balanced as life throws all it has at me. I thought that this art would be able to help me practice dealing with “in coming” in a safe and practical way. What I did not know is that it would also begin teaching me how to also deal with the attacks that I launch upon myself. That lesson has become more and more clear this past year as I have dealt with my injury. It became even more clear during the past two weeks.
If you follow my blog, you know that I have been to two seminars in the last few weeks. One with Miles Kessler in Florida, and to USAF Summer Camp in NJ. Each of these added to my understanding of how Aikido is affecting me, and how I am changing day by day.
I can feel myself approaching a threshold that is very different than the one I thought was coming. I thought that I was training for a black belt. That I was working on refining my techniques and making my martial ability clean. Maybe I was, but the threshold that is approaching is one of a deeper understanding about how life works. I am approaching a place where I can see what truly matters is not material. It is not tangible or physical. It is ethereal and emotional, maybe energetic in nature. What matters is interconnectedness. What matters is how we all interact and whether or not that interaction contributes to beauty and harmony, or pain.
My Aikido technique is pretty hard and efficient (for someone of my rank and skill). I have a lot of strength for my build and age and am used to using it. These last few weeks though, I am beginning to see how using that strength to muscle through things is actually counter productive. Using force to make things happen just increases the rift between me and the recipient of that force.
How did I figure this out? First, I experienced the joy of flow when I was in Sarasota. I paid a price with my knees, but am very grateful to have had the opportunity to be there. Not being at home and being with new people let me let go of much of my old ways of being and at least begin to touch what true flow might look like. It also showed me how hard trust is for me and that I need to work on that if I truly want to find my way on my path.
Next, I experienced summer camp: the good and the bad. I experienced the possibility of working with people who are on a path of higher learning and have the sensitivity and skill to help me find my way on that path. I also experienced the limitations of ego and how we can stunt our growth by hanging on to what used to be.
There are many stories I could tell of the latter but the easiest is to mention that I know now that my body is fragile and can no longer take the beatings it once could. I will never be one of the people in the lines taking the big and hard falls. I will never be the athletic star that takes superhuman ukemi. And I learned that that is okay. My aikido is not that; that is not my path. My Aikido is defined by the quality of interactions that I have with people, both on and off the mat. My Aikido will be defined by my ability to balance, not on my legs, but in my heart and soul.
That kind of balance also takes training. Training that I have spent less time on than I would like to admit. It takes mental and spiritual training. It takes patience with myself and others that I don’t yet have. It takes love and trust.
I may not be there yet, but at least now I know that I am in transition and that the approaching threshold means more than a rank. It means more than a healed injury. It is about having a healed heart and soul. It is about sharing that healing with others. It is about making this world a little bit better… one connection at a time.
I am excited about this path. I hope our paths will cross as I continue forward…one step at a time.
