More Than Just a Title
Before entering the HECUA program Making Media Making Change I had never set a finger on the record button of a video camera. Given my lack of experience in filmmaking, creating the Story of Self was an expansive learning opportunity in regards to both my technical film skills and my own identity. I established a stronger sense of the ways my childhood has melded me into the person I am now, through the exploration of my nickname “Baby Zoe.”
Throughout life people will mark you by labels, titles, and nicknames that may or may not represent the person you believe you are. That experience is where my Story of Self is focused. I used my film as a way to question the title I was involuntarily given and the ways “Baby Zoe” has affected me. This film gave me the control to aim my story in a precise and authentic way that no one else could sway. As the filmmaker of my story I had the ability to define the tension in my childhood nickname while honoring the ways my family has influenced me through calling me “Baby Zoe.” Crafting this film ultimately led me to understand that people may affect my identity but ultimately I get to decide how to define myself.
There were many challenges that came along with creating my first film especially paired with the vulnerability of a personal story. I have to say the biggest difficulty was having confidence in my story, constantly questioning if my film was important enough or if people would care. The entire class shared this concern in some way or another, which created an environment filled with understanding and support. From the start of Making Media Making Change we have discussed the essential parts of our learning community. We established a space for us all to be vulnerable and share our stories with openness and awareness for each others varying backgrounds and knowledge. This is what allowed me to recognize that I don’t need to justify my story because a Story of Self is not created with the intentions and goals of other people. However showing my film to family I knew would be more a sensitive situation because they know me as “Baby Zoe.” I knew that they would appreciate and acknowledge the work put into my film, but I also knew that their opinions would come along with showing them.
Sharing my story with my family went exactly how I expected it to go. While making my film I had a conversation with my mom and my two sisters about my childhood nickname. I intended to use it in my film but couldn’t find an appropriate location for it so I revisited our conversation and decided to share it here. Nothing sums up my family’s dynamics more than the beginning of this clip. Before a conversation goes in any direction there are always jokes made. I quickly found out that before discussing my childhood nickname they needed to crack a few laughs before going any further, living through the phrase my parents always told us: “to never take life too seriously.” Between my three siblings and my parents we all have unique and individual relationships with one another. That being said each of them has a separate perspective or story about my nickname. My family all saw it at different times, their reactions were quite predictable. I kind of had the feeling that my siblings would say some remark like “aww Baby Zoe is growing up” which they did. In addition they thought it was impressive that I made a film. I think that my parents were proud of me; at the same time they probably felt slightly heartbroken to see their youngest child growing up.
To my surprise my film allowed me to see that I have the ability to take shots that are dynamic and intriguing. When I first picked up a camera I worried about my lack of experience. I thought my first film would be boring. However, I feel like I captured the beauty in my childhood home through close ups of the run-down barns and overgrown pastures; showing the distinct colors and textures of the farm. After finishing my Story of Self I was proud that I created my first film and I crafted something I had never done before. It was humbling to receive feedback and appreciation from my peers and instructors. They provided me with perspectives and advice that will help me construct a stronger and more effective film.
The themes discussed in class that I felt a connection to in my film are related to representation and truth. One of the first things we talked about in class was the model of stories and the four main forms typically recognized. Stock stories are the stories told by the majority that reinforce the ways we already understand the world, they do not challenge and allow for growth. Concealed stories are where the under-represented voices are heard and where change can happen. Our stories of self fit perfectly into this form of story because our personal histories are able to represent something larger than just our self. After viewing each others films we recognized the truth and the ability to relate our stories to larger issues at hand. I believe my story can represent people who have been given labels they have not chosen. The struggle of being someone that goes beyond a title or a nickname.
This piece is part of a series written by college undergraduates enrolled in off-campus study programs through the Higher Education Consortium for Urban Affairs (HECUA). HECUA programs offer students a chance to think deeply about the issues that matter most, and we’d like to share a piece of that experience with you. Every student post on the HECUA Medium page considers a theory or reading that intersects with that student’s lived experience. For more information about HECUA programs, click here.
