2017 Pre-FA Draft Power Rankins — 12th–9th

I know. I started a long-running power ranking exercise where I thought it would be fun to match every team to a movie, and I got in way over my head. Because we are getting so close to the season and the teams have already shifted a bit, I’m going to abandon it and move on. It is dead. It is decided.
The season is about 6 weeks away and our free agent draft is in just a few days. While there is still time for movement via the draft, camp news, and possible trades, the 2017 season outlook is the clearest it’s ever been. Which means IT’S POWER RANKINGS TIME.
#12 — Ian

2014 Finish: 5th
2015 Finish: 7th
2016 Finish: 10th
Noteworthy:
- The only team to never score more than 200 points
- Also boasts the lowest score of all time with 78.3
- Last place in all time points
Strengths:
- They have their 2018 draft picks which are almost guaranteed to be good
- Their IDP is locked up with two of the best players at DL and DB
Weaknesses:
- Literally everything else
- Maybe not FLEX where they are decidedly average-at-best
- …so yeah, probably FLEX too
Comments:
This is generally where I am mean and derive the owner for all of their past transgressions, but since Ian is new and not responsible for the black hole of hope that is this team, I won’t go there. I will say that I have no sympathy for someone with such a terrible last name.
Welcome, Ian. Good luck.
#11 —Brett and Adam

2014 Finish: 1st (gag)
2015 Finish: 6th
2016 Finish: 2nd
Strengths:
Please try again later
Weaknesses:
- Everything that isn’t a kicker or a defensive player
Noteworthy:
- 3rd best all time average finish of 3
Comments:
According to FantasyPros Brett’s starting lineup includes:
- The 9th best QB
- The 11th RB1
- The 10th RB2
- The 11th WR1
- The 10th WR2
- The 10th WR3
- The 11th TE
- The 11th FLEX1
- The 10th FLEX2
This team is more butt looking than the chin on Hank Evans face; except unlike Hank’s butt-chin, Brett’s team is capable of actually spewing out shit that will take the form of unbelievably bad fantasy scores in 2017.
Of course, they could prove us wrong again. After all, people have been saying this team is bad for 2 seasons now, and yet they’re one of only 3 teams to have never missed the playoffs.
That being said, they will almost certainly be bad.
#10 — Mike

2014 Finish: 2nd
2015 Finish: 2nd
2016 Finish: 4th
Strengths:
- IDP — the grasping-for-straws strength preferred by teams since 1992.
Weaknesses:
- Virtually every offensive position
Noteworthy:
- 2nd best all time finish position of 2.7
- The only team without a single top 4 position group in the entire league
Comments:
Although we’ve come
To the end of the road
Woof, this is a bad year for “teams who have never missed the playoffs”.
The great Troy-less experiment is off to a miserable start. According to FantasyPros, Mike’s starting lineup includes:
- The 12th best QB
- The 6th RB1
- The 11th RB2
- The 12th WR1
- The 9th WR2
- The 9th WR3
- The 5th TE
- The 12th FLEX1
- The 11th FLEX2
In other words, it’s more sad than any Boyz 2 Men song could hope to be. In fact, maybe there is some solid strategy advice Mike can take from Rolling Stones “Hottest Act in Motown” in 1992:
I know that it’s oh so hard to let go
Give yourself time to heal take it slow
#9— Andrew and Frank

2014 Finish: 9th
2015 Finish: 9th
2016 Finish: 8th
Strengths:

Me waiting for a team to be top 4 at any non-IDP position to talk about strengths (I refuse to bring up his #1 kicker…fuck I just did)
Weaknesses:

Noteworthy:
- Surprisingly consistent and still has a better all-time finish rank than Falcone
- …is consistently “meh” a good thing?
- …I guess it doesn’t have to be good to be “noteworthy”
Comments:
Next up is the league’s most lovable perpetually below average duo, Head and Frank. “Frank and Head” sounds like the worst Cheers spinoff you’ve never heard of. How Head keeps finding masochists to join him in his journey to 9th place every year is beyond me, but this year he has a new partner in crime as Billy has growed up and taken on his own team.
According to FantasyPros, their starting lineup includes:
- The 8th best QB
- The 9th RB1
- The 8th RB2
- The 9th WR1
- The 11th WR2
- The 11th WR3
- The 7th TE
- The 8th FLEX1
- The 7th FLEX2
The entire team is made up of “that guy I wouldn’t mind having on my roster as a decent FLEX start or as a backup if someone went down”. It’s like the movie the Replacements, except in this alternate universe its starring Hayden Christensen and a guy they’re claiming is Gene Hackman, but for some reason you aren’t convinced.

To Be Continued

