#9 Mike Altbaum in “Speed 2: Cruise Control”

Now I liked Sandra Bullock in the original Speed. I even liked her in that film where she went into a beauty pageant. But in this monstrosity, I just wanted to slap her repeatedly and say “What are you doing!?”

Everyone remembers Speed, right? The surprise action-hit starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock about a bus with a bomb strapped that required it to keep going above a certain speed or it would explode?

Now imagine that movie, but you take out the main actor, and instead of a speeding bus you stick it on a lame ass cruise liner. The result is Mike’s team…er, I mean Speed 2.

Speed 2 was such a stupid movie, and it showed just how much the original film was kept afloat by one of the stars. Without Keanu it would have basically been like watching Sandra Bullock commute on a bus. This feels relevant as Mike has taken a perennial contender and turned it something that resembles Sandra Bullock on a big, slow, dumb boat.

Admittedly they do have a lot of potential on the roster. Rawls doesn’t look like he’ll pan out, but there is a lot of upside in the starting roster between Perriman, Parker, Eifert, Ajayi, and Treadwell. But the likelihood that enough of those guys will pan out this year isn’t very high. I don’t even think Willem Dafoe could save this sinking ship.