Disney Rides Power Rankings
Fresh off my trip to Disney celebrating the win over Marino and the move into the division lead, I present you with a Disney Rides Power Rankings mashup. One caveat, I’m not a Star Wars fan and I have little kids so I didn’t do any of the Star Wars rides. I feel unqualified to rank them. So if you like them, just write your own damn article.
One other caveat…the records are assuming the results of Week 9 and the points are what ESPN is telling me as of this writing (11/8). Here we go…
12. Sarlo (1–8, 12th points) — Carousel of Progress
I don’t know if you’ve ever been on the Carousel of Progress, but it harkens back to Mr. Disney’s vision for not just Disney World, but the world. Walt was a consummate optimist and the song for CoP shows it.
“A man has a dream and that’s a start. He follows his dream with mind and heart. And when it becomes a reality, it’s a dream come true for you and me…” No one would doubt that Sarlo has a dream and he follows that dream with all he has. But much like how Walt’s optimistic vision has become just another capitalistic leech sucking the blood of the populace, Sarlo’s dream may never become a reality either.
But keep your head up Nick for “there’s a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of everyday.”
11. Calhoun (2–7, 11th in points) — It’s A Small World
An appropriate gif for many reasons. 1) Being on a small world is like serving time. I’ve never been to jail, but I feel justified in that analogy anyway. The first time I went to Disney it was Disneyland and my dad made the mistake of videotaping the whole ride. The only thing worse than being on It’s A Small World is watching the video of being on It’s A Small World. 2) Calhoun is trapped inside the prison of his own making. Presumably, like the ride, the same song is playing in every room and he’s probably unsure if he’ll ever get out.
10. Head (4–5, 10th in points) — Teacups
Today is, in fact, Head’s unbirthday. So a happy unbirthday to you! If the Mad Hatter and Lewis Black had a baby, it would be Head. He’s angry, he’s random, and if we found out he had a drinking problem would anyone be surprised? The Mad Hatter is the themed character for the teacup ride in Disney, and like the ride Head’s team goes round and round at varying speeds, it is sometimes exhilarating, sometimes nauseating, but every knows that despite all the commotion, the ride isn’t really going anywhere.
9. Abaum (2–7, 9th in points) — Tower of Terror
Starting at great heights, appearances in the first two HDL championships, have eventually lead to great lows for Abaum. Like the ride, it’s hard to predict when the highs and lows are coming. After seemingly trying to rebuild on the fly buying Lamar Jackson, Juju Smith-Schuster, and a few other pieces, Abaum was experiencing a surprise drop this year. This lead to selling DK Metcalf and Stefon Diggs for a haul of picks. Will the thrill of the ride pay off in the end?
8. Black (5–4, 7th in points) — Winne the Pooh
Winnie the Pooh — both the ride and the character — is lovable and harmless. I’m not sure I need to say more. But I will. The ride also takes place in the dark and to certain audiences can be a bit scary when the Hephalumps and Woozles show up. Since taking over Cleve’s team, Chris seems to be managing in the dark and the fear of the age cliff may finally be coming to fruition for some of his players.
7 — Falcone (5–4, 5th in points) — Rockin’ Rollercoaster
Rollercoasters are fun. Rockin’ Rollercoaster is fun too. But maybe it’s time to move away from Aerosmith. They’re deservedly in the Rock n Roll HoF, but in 2021 they seem like an odd choice to be the featured band for a Disney rollercoaster. There are worse bands that would make more sense. Maroon 5 would make more sense. What I’m saying is, upgrades are needed. Falcone recognized this about his team and is doing something about it. Right now that has turned his team from Aerosmith to Maroon 5, but the hope is that he ends up with a product better than both.
6. Marino (5–4, 8th in points) — Barnstormer
Goofy’s Barnstormer was my kids first roller coaster. It is a roller coaster, so you have to know what you’re getting yourself into, but my 2.5 year old rode it. You’ll be fine. It got off to a fast start, but it ends way sooner than I expected. Marino took the league by storm being the second to last undefeated team. Now he’s 8th in points. If there’s a UWC this year it’s likely because Marino ceded the division to BPou and then was ousted by a Falcone or Chris Black who scraped by with enough points.
5. BPou (4–5, 4th in points) — Expedition Everest
Expedition Everest is a fun ride. It’s in Animal Kingdom which is the worst of the four parks, but being the biggest fish in a small pond is what BPou is all about. Winners, win regardless of how meaningless the win may be. This coaster also has a unique feature where it looks as if the tracks have been removed when you reach its peak, the coaster than continues only in reverse. Eventually, you beginning moving forward again. With BPou, it’s hard to know which direction his team is moving, but there’s no doubt that it’s moving.
4. Billy (5–4, 2nd in points) — Peter Pan’s Flight
Like Billy, this gif is questionably racist. The ride is a solid ride. It’s like a more exciting version of the Winnie the Pooh ride. As a kid, it’s gotta be one of the more exciting rides, but as you get older you realize it wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Billy’s team was great when the season was young. He’s still second in points and still a true challenge for the mug this year. But cracks are starting to show.
3. Hallahan (6–3, 6th in points) — Toy Story Mania
If any of our league mates can be compared to a wise-cracking potato who clearly enjoys his jokes more than those who hear them, it’s Hallahan. And while Mr. Potato head greats you as you enter the ride, the ride has little to do with him or his jokes. It’s pretty chaotic in there. You’re pitted against other ride goers to see who can score the most points. Accuracy be damned. Points are what matters. You can tell yourself to remain calm, you can name your team “Holding Out for a Hero,” but you know when push comes to shove you’re going to do what needs to be done to get the W even if that means moving five first rounds picks for two offensive players and a couple of IDP.
2. Troy (7–2, 3rd in points) — Mine Train
Troy may look Dopey like Jared Goff, but the man has truly been mining for points this year and it is paying off. For stints this year he’s been without CMC, Dalvin Cook, Darren Waller, Julio Jones, and Kyler Murray. He’s had to start the likes of Ronald Jones, Mike Davis, and Trevor Semian. Despite all of this, he’s still averaging over 200 points per game. Mine Train is surprising smooth for a roller coaster with so many twists and turns and Troy has his team operating just as smoothly.
1. Ian (8–1, 1st in points) — Slinky Dog Dash
This roller coaster was awesome. It was my favorite ride in Disney. It’s not the flashiest, there were moments where it was even tamer than it needed to be, but it just delivered. It was consistent throughout and delivered on the hype. After a year that brought Ian and Mike a mug*, they’ve come out, stayed humble, and are proving that the * wasn’t a fluke after all.
