HDL Week 6 Newsletter
Week 5 Recap
Two Men Enter; One Men Leave
Hallahan and Scott took on Cleve in a much-anticipated match of big hitters, with Cleve taking the W on the back of a surprisingly-high Gronkless score.
Squeaking One Out
Calhoun barely avoided the upset by Billy in a match that was a simple stat correction away from a different outcome.
Resisting Panic
The defending champions have found themselves in a tight spot, currently sitting at 3rd in their surprisingly tight divisional race. While things look a little better if you look at their division-high points for, they look like they’ll be fighting for a playoff spot in general instead of the bye they probably expected to be chasing.
Updated Outlooks
Someone pointed out last week that they were surprised by the dropoff after the top 6 teams was so big. I went back and checked to see if it was a mistake, but looking at the schedules from here on out any of the teams not currently in my projected bracket have a hell of a road ahead. ESPN’s is a bit different, but they’re not accounting for future schedule — which makes predicting Hallahan and Scott missing a bit silly.
One thing I realized I was doing in a quest to achieve faux-objectivity is taking it easy on everyone. THIS ENDS NOW.
Gutter Slugs | Current 5–0 | Projected 12–1 | 100%
No change here. Still predicting a loss, and Ian wasn’t the team I was really expecting to bring it.
This is fun to watch. While Falcone and Chris continue to pat themselves on the back for the gifts they’ve been handed over the past few years, we all get to watch as they fumble the opportunity to assure long-term success by not sitting on too many assets in their quest to finally win something. I don’t know if they’re more worried about sticking it to Brett or their own inferiority complexes, but the consolation prize of the 2017 season for every other team will be seeing them miss the chance to parlay their too-deep roster into even more long term assets.
Gronk Lives Matter| Current 4–1 | Projected 10–3 | >99%
This was a big win as Hallahan could have easily upset him here with Gronk out, removing a big question mark from his relatively cake schedule.
This team might as well just be Brady, AB, and Gronk, because when all 3 of those guys aren’t hitting they look…pedestrian. Unless, of course, Cleve manages to get 20+ point games out of two IDP players. Totally predictable, totally sustainable, and I’m sure Hallahan is thrilled.
Asshat Cowboys | Current 4–1 | Projected 9–4 | 97%
Probably the same record, but losing Odell could cause some pain. A team to watch.
Calhoun entered this season with red flags at running back, and Hyde suddenly not looking like a lock for production or usage every week puts a roster now missing OBJ for the season in serious danger. Everyone is ranking them as the 3–4 best team, meanwhile they’re starting Jonathan Stewart and Latavius Murray in their flex. Considering not a single player on his bench scored over 10 points, this can’t be a team inspiring much confidence despite the “elite” title often thrown around with the name.
Hillary Clinton’s Emails | Current 2–3 | Projected 8–5 | 90%
Still a heavy favorite to get in with mostly gimmes the rest of the way.
Just to recap — I’m not allowed to talk about calling what would happen if this team lost one of DJ or Bell. I’m not allowed to make jokes about the deepest WR group ever. And I’m not allowed to talk about how uncompetitive they look with their current roster, or risk being accused of trying to provoke them to trade.
Mealey’s Taco-ver | Current 3–2 | Projected 8–5 | 88%
FantasyPros, ESPN, and myself all had me winning in Week 5, so pulling out a W greatly increase their chances of hitting playoff paydirt.
What has two thumbs, made fun of my RBs for scoring their first TDs of the season, meanwhile they’ll be lucky to get a TD-per-1st-round-pick-paid out of Jay Ajayi this season? TROY.
MEHrino’s MEHn | Current 3–2 | Projected 7–6 | 70%
Big loss to a game they needed to win in a tight division.
This is an elite team — when their 7th most points for team goes up against the fewest points against opponents.
The Kareem Cheeses| Current 2–3 | Projected 5–8 | 32%
Bump in their playoff chances with a win, though this was marked as one of their handful of “winnable” games remaining. They’re going to have to win at least one of their “playoff lock” games to get into the playoffs, of which they have 5 (talk about a tough schedule).
Poor Head. He has the best team he’s ever seen in the history of the league, and he has a remaining schedule scarier than Weinstein whipping it out and jacking off into a potted plant.
Not Today Satan | Current 2–3 | Projected 5–8 | 11%
Blew it big time. I suspect we’ll learn later than Billy and Hallahan have been colluding, someone get his phone before he smashes it Brady style.
Billy’s RBs are basically the equivalent of a weird little kid carving friends out of his poops, and then sitting around playing duck-duck-goose to see who gets to go. But there was no way he could have seen his runningbacks hurting his competitiveness in 2017 while he was dodging 1st round pick offers this offseason like the fucking plague.
Hooked on a Thielen| Current 2–3 | Projected 5–8 | 9%
Still a long shot, though slightly less of one.
It’s like Head’s team, except replace feeling bad with HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
VIVA LA FRANCE| Current 1–4 | Projected 4–9 | 2%
Will probably win just enough games to piss me off.
Conversations between me and Hark lately have been as awkward as a dinner where daddy just hit mommy.
Dalvin and the Chipmunks | Current 1–4 | Projected 3–10 | 1%
Fortunately they have their pick…
They managed to start all of their players this week, renewing hope that Ian is more than just a stop-gap between Martino and whoever is next up.
Mike and Roy’s Dynasty | Current 1–4 | Projected 3–10 | 0%
…unfortunately they don’t.
Swung and missed on enough players this offseason to make Jim Thome blush. About as ugly as it can get.
