Hot Cakes: Billy the Kid + Falcone
We’ve got another two-for-one special comin’ at ya. This is chock-full of conspiracy and intrigue. And it all revolves around the two owners mentioned above and the division draft.
We’re all familiar with the rivalry that has formed between Eyerolls McGee and the Devil Dealer. The two bicker over everything and often try to talk one another into believing the other has the more horrible of horrible teams. Daily the rest of us are left staring at our computer wondering when they’ll just get a room and consummate the marriage already. And we thought that they’d be able to settle this where it matters by facing off twice during our season. But something went awry. Let’s recap the events.
Trash talk came to a head preceding the divisional draft. Billy made a very clear statement:
Brett welcomed the idea and even incentivized it for young Billy.
Enter Falcone. Still salty, oh so salty, over his loss to BPou last year Falcone comes in seeking revenge.
Then Billy doubles down. He has to draft Brett! It fits thematically with his division name.
This brings us to the division draft just over 24 hours after this exchange. Billy’s on the clock with the first pick. Surely, it’ll be Brett. Only it’s not. It’s Nic Martino. Why the sudden change? Sure Nic isn’t a bad first pick, but his team is not that much worse than BPou’s. And all the trash talk? For naught?
To me, it’s pretty clear what happened. Billy chickened out. He was afraid to step up and potentially lose to the team he’s ridiculed ever since he started campaigning to be a majority owner. In his fright, he runs to his security blanket, Papa Falcone.
Below I’ve obtained an actual leaked transcript of a conversation Billy had with Falcone just hours before the division draft.
Billy the Kid: If I draft BPou in my division and he beats me twice, I’ll never hear the end of it!
Papa Falcone: Yeah he’d totally beat you twice with his deal with the devil. Did you know if I would have played him every week last season I would have beaten him 15 times? The one time I would have lost was the week I played him.
BtK: I just don’t know what to do. I’d ask my co-owner but he’s hasn’t proposed to my sister yet, so I don’t know that he can be fully trusted. What do you think?
PF: Look, I’ve got a way to help both of us. Draft Nic Martino first.
BtK: But I said I was going to take BPou first.
PF: Taking BPou first doesn’t help us. You should take Nic and then we’ll have a better chance for me to be in BPou’s division.
BtK: I’m not sure I’m following.
PF: Do I have to spell it out for you? I don’t know if you’re aware, but I own BPou’s first round pick next season. If he’s in your division and beats you twice, that will almost definitely make my pick next year worse. So by taking Nic first overall in the division draft, we both win!
BtK: Um… okay, sir. If that’s what you think is best.
And so it was. Unable to face the music, Billy once again helped out the Russia to his Trump and can hide behind his tough talk for a little bit longer.
People will chalk this up to a conspiracy theory. But this transcript is real. I was also able to obtain footage of Falcone, Chris, and Billy after the draft.