MIDSEASON AWARD SHOW!!!!!
With Hallahan tending to his new daughter Wolverine, and Sarlo trying to blow himself in an Austin microbrewery or choking down a Vegan Burger with extra what the fuck did I do to deserve this life, on the side. It is I, Head, here to provide the content, the levity, the sanity, the intrigue, and the First Maybe Last Semi Annual Bra, Awards for the HDL!
We are presenting six awards tonight, and there will be no honorable mention, no second place, no ties, what does this look like? Some second-grade figure skating competition in Des Moines? Grow up you candy asses.
THE GM OF THE YEAR AWARD
Dave Falcone and Chris Black
One is a man of the cloth, and one man has a woman’s career, but these two have built a juggernaut unseen since the days of Gretzky’s Oilers, Billy google that and write it down. Currently sitting at 6 and 1, and coming off a comfortable victory over the second-best team in the league, the Not Evening Sitters, Pigeon and Friend are poised to dominate down the stretch and have a bye into the playoffs. Will they crash and burn once its playoff time? Will their dicks shrivel into their tummies like a cold winter’s day? Will I answer any of these questions? Maybe, and I think we can pencil these guys into the finals. Good luck to us all in catching them.
THE HOW THE FUCK AWARD
Steve Calhoun
Currently Calhoun sits at 5 and 2, tied with Cleve for the second-best record in the league. However, if you look deeper into his team and the standings you can see the makings of a paper tiger. This past week Calhoun’s squad went out and took a big ole dump right in the middle of a bake sale with a paltry 123 points. Looking at his point total for the year you find him barely sixth and another weak week will spell trouble for Asshat…….and his team. The world traveling, strip joint frequenting, future parenting owner must know it’s all been smoke and mirrors. Just like the strip club this team will end up alone at 3am with the bluest of blue balls, and miss the playoffs.
THE LET’S MAKE A DEAL AWARD
Cleve Bryan
The man with two first names, which can never be trusted, is quick to slide into a guy’s DM and try to fuck him, fuck him right out of his players. I could have gone with an Altbaum here, but Mike is 1 and 6, and Troy is a sweetheart, so they get spared this award. Cleve plays the nice guy routine, providing the angle that makes sense for you to send him a guy about to break out and score all the points, while you get left holding a fourth-round pick and a whole bunch of regret. His act seems to be fading as he can be seen in the trade announcement looking for a dance partner, but as soon as The Boyz 2 Men song hits the high note, his hard on is all too visible and we all seem to be walking off the gym floor. Keep at it Cleve, a sucker is born every minute.
ITS NOT MY FAULT MY PLAYERS SUCK AWARD
Nick Sarlo and Mike Harkensheimer
Did I spell that right? Who gives a fuck? Again, and again and again we hear that this is the year Sarlo and his positive regression will bring his team together, but it never happens. I feel for this team, Sarlo puts in hours and hours for this league, writing articles, making B- PowerPoints, and convincing Hark not to leave him. Sarlo swears he will do better, take out the trash, care about Hark’s hobbies, but in the end, they end up staring down the barrel of another sub .500 season and staying together for the fantasy kids.
BROKEN MIRROR AWARD
Dave Hallahan and Scott Lederer
Injuries to Rodgers and David Johnson, plus a frozen trade market has been a triple decker shit sandwich for the reigning champs. Coming off a title with the two best returning running backs in the league, and a whole lot of hutzpah could not keep the fantasy gods from bitch slapping this team back to a dark, cold, bitter reality. A repeat champion seems as plausible as New Mike or Ian answering a bat signal in the HDL channel. They will continue to push and probe around for a trade, hope their deepest receiver core ever finally pans out, and I for one can’t count them out just yet.
MVP AWARD
Dan Marino
Ask yourself a few questions: Do you know what Marino does for a living? Can you pick him out of a lineup? Does he even really exist or did we just create him out of a shared experience from all of our minds? The world may never know, but I do know this, Dan Marino is the real MVP. Lineup is always set, trade offers are always respectfully answered, and the man answers a bat signal better than the Caped Crusader himself! Shout out to Marino for being the fantasy owner we need but don’t deserve. Currently holding the tiebreaker over Scott and Dave for a division lead (side note, Hallahan will read that last sentence and go “Did he put Scott’s name first?” and Scott will say “Finally the respect I deserve!”) Dan is quietly making a real playoff push and I for one could not be happier for the guy. Now if we find out in a month he has dead bodies stacked in his apartment as high as the ceiling we can all forget he existed and tell Cleve on CBS3 that he was a really sweet guy and we never thought he was capable of wearing human skin as a snuggie.
That’s it...
