Week 5 HDL Power Rankings
Maybe I’m projecting, but if you’re not Calhoun or Papa Pigeon there’s not a lot to be happy about right now. Sure, they weren’t the only teams who won but there’s bad news going all around.
Cleve showed a surprisingly low floor when Bradonk doesn’t put up 70 points. Head lost to his protege and lost Ty Montgomery for at least a couple of weeks. Ian lost Dalvin Cook for the year and that could creep into the beginning of next year depending on the recovery time. Troy put up his best score of the season and still lost the belt. MEHrino’s MEHn come out with a victory but have still yet to crack 160 points. Hallederer has now failed to hit 170 points 3 of 4 weeks and another one of his WR have lost their QB. Etc. Etc.
But enough of the pity party, let’s get to the rankings.
12 — Dalvin & The Chipmunks (1–3, -1)
The football gods ignored Ian’s pleas. A team already too weak to do any real damage has lost their namesake and best player. As has been the case all year, Ian is playing for next year.
Sarlo (12th) — Woof. Cook gone puts this team pretty solidly in the basement. They should have a pretty good shot at the 1.01 next year.
11 — Mike & Roy’s Dynasty (1–3, +1)
Mike has now cracked 100 in consecutive weeks and earned his first victory! That victory hurt Sarlo pretty bad and maybe BPou upset. So win, win, win.
But who the hell is Keelan Cole?
Sarlo (11th) — Beat me this week, but it’ll be pretty tough to out-lose this team in what is looking like a solid lock for the 1.02.
10 — VIVA LA FRANCE (1–3, -1)
It’s time to drink the cheap stuff as long as you can keep on drinking. I think Sarlo is trying to win, but he’s executing the “defensible tank” perfectly. Jay Cutler over Jameis Winston. “Yeah, but Cutler was going up against the New Orleans defense.”
With 4 other teams at 1–3, this team still has a shot if things can turn around. It’ll be interesting to see which direction Sharklo decide to steer this boat.
Sarlo (10th) — I want to believe my team is better than here, but the WRs that were supposed to provide so much upside are proving to be far too boom-bust to expect much out of them.
9 — The Kareem Cheeses (1–3, -3)
Head’s trip through the power rankings has been like any of his trips to Wawa. There’s the initial rush of a full tank of gas and a few extra minutes of podcast listening is enough to lighten the heaviness of morning. But then the stupid mouthbreathing, county college student they hired to attend the pumps doesn’t know how a fucking rotation works. Clearly I was here before that car ya cunt. But okay, a few deep breaths and you know what, I’ll just pay inside and grab myself some snacks. The lightness that started off the morning returns and that college kid is just trying to pay off an education he’ll never use anyway. It’s hard to be mad at him when really it’s the state of higher education that is a mess. Some coffee, a bacon egg and cheese on a croissant, and a bag of chips for my lunch later will make everything right. Lines a little long, but NOT A BIG DEAL this is okay. It’ll die down before I’m back. Coffee seems fresh, gonna go with the cheddar and sour cream chips — my breath might smell but da fuck do I care at least I’m not microwaving fish IN A FUCKING PUBLIC SPACE — now just to get that bacon egg and cheese. They don’t have it. THEY DON’T HAVE IT! I’m probably gonna get stuck with some hippie ass shit of an egg white sandwich like those tree huggin’ Californians. My step daughter goes to UCLA. That’s good. And they do have a pepperoni and provolone bagel supermelt and it’s not like I really wanna live past 55 anyway. This is good. I’m fine with this. The line is still long but it’s okay. I don’t even know if my car is done filling up yet…Still in this line…and my cars definitely done know. Looks like she’s gonna open up that register. AND OF FUCKING COURSE! YOU WERE IN THE BACK OF THE LINE! YOU WEREN’T NEXT! NO ONE INFORMED ME WE WERE NOW IN A POST-APOCALYPTIC SOCIETY AND THERE WERE NO RULES AND YOU CAN JUST GOT TO WHATEVER LINE YOU WANT BECAUSE YOUR LIFE IS APPARENTLY MORE IMPORTANT THAT OURS! The fuck with these people man. I’m done. It’s a wrap never coming back to this Wawa again.
Sarlo (7th) — Losing TyGuy hurts, but they still managed to put up 163 points and had a couple of big scores on the bench. He needs one of his RBs to step up, but otherwise I wouldn’t count them out.
8— NOT TODAY SATAN (2–2, +2)
Playing a man down, Billy took his previous co-owner behind the woodshed. In the process of scoring a season high 184.5, Billy may have uncovered some new running back help Alex Jones and Elijah McGuiver. Jones should have a couple weeks of solid work in front of him and already appears to have the trust of Aaron Rodgers. McGuiver however is going to have to get especially crafty to keep putting up 20+ points with only 30% of the snaps.
Sarlo (9th) — This is the team I’m least convinced about. They may have tripped into some RBs, though I’ll need to see it again until they go up. If Buck and McGuire continue to do well enough this could be a surprise playoff team and confirm what I said before the season — all Billy needed was a couple of RBs to compete. Still a bit surprised Billy hasn’t been an active buyer.
7— Hooked on a Thielen (1–3, +1)
HEY! BPou comes down with his first win. But don’t let the W-L effect how you view this team. They’ve had top 6 scores in 3 out of 4 weeks.
Sarlo (8th) — Bretts been regurgitating my “consistent” takes on his team lately, and thats still the best way to describe them. The unfortunate slow start has put them in a tough spot and they’re going to have to win every winnable week coming up, and probably also pull out at least one against Hallahan/Cleve/Falcone/Calhoun.
6— MEHrino’s MEHn (3–1, +1)
Speaking of BPou, Marino is banking on a BPou-esque run of efficiency. MEHrino currently has the fewest points against by more than 10 points per week. Despite a 3–1 record, Marino has yet to break the 160 mark. In fact if he and the aforementioned BPou played every week they’d both be 2–2.
Alas, MEHrino sits at 3–1. That winning record may pad the inevitable regression to the mean.
Sarlo (6th) — I really don’t love this team at 6th, but this is such a week scoring season that a ceiling of 160 could be good enough, especially having already won 2 of his tougher matches this season.
5 — Mealey’s Taco-ver (2–2, E)
It’s been confirmed that Andrew Luck will practice this week. Sounds like if all things go well, he could be in line to start in Week 6. This news coming off of the Taco-ver’s biggest score of the year. False hope or not, Troy’s probably feeling like things are coming together.
Sarlo (5th) — Winning where he’s supposed to and losing where he’s supposed to, this is going to be a bubble team down to the wire. Andrew Luck returning would be huge.
4 — Hilary Clinton’s Email (2–2, -1)
This may end up being a season of small victories. If that’s the case, at least Le’Veon Bell started rolling this week! After a lot of pre-season bragging about the deepest WR corp ever, Clinton’s Email is being sunk by those WR. Now Amari Cooper, who has struggled already, is without his QB for at least a couple of weeks. Things may get worse before they get better.
Sarlo (4th) — Once upon a time a birdie said this team would struggle if they ever lost either of their Big 2. Here we are after week 4 and they’ve dropped 2 games and, while sometimes showing life, sometimes struggling to have a competitive scoring team. And as a surprise to no one, Chris Thompson is apparently not the answer.
3 — Asshat Cowboys (3–1, +1)
After a bad week one, Calhoun has put up scores of 198.2, 190.4, 196.2. He appears to be a legitimate contender. If you weren’t scared before, well…
Sarlo (2nd) — Its about a year and a half later than I thought, but it appears Calhoun’s team has finally come online. This isn’t even his final form.
2 — Gronk Lives Matter (3–1, E)
“Oh sorry, this like literally never happens!” Is usually what men say when it totally happens all the time. Only in this case, this like literally never happens. I wouldn’t count on it again. Until week 9 when Bradonk are stopped only because of NFL scheduling.
Sarlo (3rd) — Cleve depends heavily on Bradonk and the Patriots have looked incredibly pedestrian at times. Their shitty defense could be a benefit for Cleve though with Brady and Gronk actually having to play catch up.
1 — Gutter Slugs (4–0, E)
Sarlo (1st) —
