10 Things I Hate About You(r Profile)
With respect, I’m tired of looking at fish.
I know — it isn’t easy to design a dating profile.
Individuals are complicated and contradictory and multilayered and even mystifying. They’re brimming with latent talents and undiscovered passions. They’re prone to abandon ideas and pivot to new paths. Anyone who has known anyone knows that people are all these things.
And you can’t show all these things with three photos and a few hundred characters. You only have a little bit of space!
But you only need a little bit of space to say something that could spark a conversation.
So use it. Tell us about the podcast you listen to on your commute home. Showcase your wit with a joke. If you’re a globe-trotter, why not add photos from past trips — or simply list your goal destinations, if you feel your travel snaps don’t do your beautiful face justice?
Daters devise clever solutions to the impossibility of saying everything. You can really do anything you want.
But I wish you wouldn’t do this:
1. Fish.
Hold a lamp. Hold a diploma. Hold a bag of flour. Hold literally anything else, if you must demonstrate your ability to use your arms. But unless you are a painter of seascapes, I do not want to see pictures of fish.
I believe there are plenty of fish in the sea. I don’t need photo evidence.
2. Complaints about the last season of Game of Thrones.
Yes, and?
Complaining about this widely disliked finale is like writing, “I do not prefer Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure over the original National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.” Well, no, I should hope not.
3. “[insert height above 6 foot], if it matters.”
You know fine well that it matters.
A man’s tallness is a positive attribute in the mind of most heterosexual women, whether or not that’s fair. We’re openly superficial about it.
So please don’t feign indifference to highlight something you want us to notice. Don’t suggest you think height shouldn’t matter, when you’re clearly glad it does.
Besides, dating apps have designated spaces to state your height, and women know how to [rapidly] find that information. Please use your bio to share anything else and let us read about your height on our own.
4. Mentions of “good vibes.”
I am a Gen Z-er. I use the lingo. But I still haven’t figured out what “good vibes” really are. Am I the only one who wants to drop this vague line?
Be specific, use your own words, and say what you want. Because if you hope to meet a human being with emotional complexity, you’ll have to expand your expectations beyond “good vibes only.”
Honestly, I’d swipe right on a lad who says he’s looking for “bad vibes only.” Now that is an intriguing hook.
5. Needless shirtlessness.
Go ahead, show some skin. Just make it make sense.
If I’m going to see a naked torso, I’d like to see an ocean, pool or hiking trail in the picture as well. Not an overstuffed hamper.
I once saw a guy who had clearly photoshopped his bare chest onto a beach background. I respected him for adding context, even if it came from Google Images.
6. Group profile pictures.
This is your account. It’s your place to shine. So be clear about who you are and leave your pals out of the first photo.
…especially if there’s any chance you might not be the best looking person in your friend group. You don’t want your profile to risk causing confusion and disappointment.
7. Demands that we “say something other than hey.”
This is Bumble-specific. It’s a complaint about how women start conversations with their matches on an app where ladies have to text first.
I understand the complaint. I actually agree! I too sigh when I receive useless openers (“hi,” “hey,” “what’s up,” “how are you?,” etc.).
But I have never sent something quite that dull to start a conversation. I personalize. I ask particular questions. So if I read that you’re tired of drab openers, I expect you to appreciate my inventive one — and to help me carry the conversation forward.
And then too often this happens: I send a quirky opener and get a dead-end reply back. It seems there are as many men ending conversations with boring replies as there are men complaining about boring openers.
Just make it a two-way street. My fun opener for your fun response.
8. Citing The Office as an interest.
Fine. I accept it. A lot of people like this show. Maybe it is worth the hype. But unless you’re prepared to send a voice note detailing your devotion to Jim and Pam, I’d rather you use the space for something a bit less clichéd.
9. Refusal to properly fill in the About Me section.
Refusal often looks like this: “Find out.” “Just ask. “You’ll see.”
First, this is lazy.
Second, these statements are oddly ominous. Now I’m nervous about what I might “find out.” Should I ask? Do I want to see?
10. “ “
And, finally, nothing. When a profile is just photos, no words.
Remember up top, when I suggested you use the space you’re given?
To be fair, this might be less frustrating than #9. In this case, you didn’t take the time to tell us that you refuse to take the time to tell us anything. You just didn’t take the time at all.
So go forth. Make the profile. If you’re a digital debutante, enjoy this first step into the land of lust and love. Tell us who you are with whatever words or images you choose.
Just maybe avoid some of the above. You might save a few people an involuntary eye roll. You might even earn a few more right swipes, too.
