10 Ways to Tell He is Available
How to crack the code in a digital age.
Early phases of dating can be a rollercoaster, especially in the digital age. We humans send out so many signals that it can be hard to decipher what’s actually going on.
Take for example the woman who asked me to write this article because she was seeing a guy who showed up to their third date only to announce he had just gotten another woman pregnant. He proceeded to explain to her how this “accident” occurred in great detail, something which did not go over well.
Modern day dating can throw people for a loop, partly because online apps encourage dates and chat threads with multiple people until a relationship is established. But some forge a connection early on, forgetting that the person they like may be simultaneously dating five others at the same time.
This creates confusion, leaving many to feel that they are left in the lurch. He may be sending a signal here or there, but at other times, he’s M.I.A., and this leaves you scratching your head.
Ghosts of Dating
According to Wikipedia, the term ghosting developed in the 2000’s largely as a result of social media and dating apps. Ghosting is considered a form of cruelty that shuts people out without any explanation.
The ability to have multiple media-based relationships at one time is likely a contributor to this phenomenon, and not having to see these people in real life makes it easier for one to justify cutting off communication.
When the one you are dating is not all there, one approach is to wait around and see how things pan out. After all, you really like him, and it’s just the beginning so he’s probably just taking things slow. Or his slow responses could be an indication that he is not a knight in shining armor but a ghost just getting ready to wave farewell with a silent poof — ouch.
It’s kind of painful.
There’s always a little risk in dating. They don’t call love a battlefield for nothing. But your chances of meeting someone will increase if you put yourself out there. However, it helps to keep in mind that a man who is available for a relationship is likely to do some of the following things.
1. He reaches out.
You’re not left wondering if his text will show up. You don’t have to ping him and sit hours waiting to hear back or experience absences that give you anxiety and a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. Sure, work gets in the way of communication here and there, but he’ll make time to reach out.
2. He sends clear messages.
You’re not twirling your hair around your finger for hours wondering if he likes you and what this text meant and what it meant when he said this or that at the dinner table. You’re not snapping screenshots of texts and instagram posts, sending them to friends, and then asking them, “What does this mean?” His messages will be clear, and you won’t need validation.
3. He is consistent.
There will be a steady feeling of warmth, as opposed to the hot and cold feeling one might experience in highly ambivalent relationships. You’ll start to get the sense of when he will contact you, and he’ll follow through because he is consistent. When life occurs and a plan falls through, it will be the exception, not the rule.
4. He is present.
When with you, he gives you his attention. Phone calls, emails, and texts are important, but most of the time, they can wait, especially in the beginning when you are getting to know each other. While there may be some talk about people in his life or past relationships, it is a part of your conversation that doesn’t dominate the discussion. This can indicate that, although he has a life of his own, there is space for you in it.
5. He uses affirmative language.
The frequent use of maybes and mights is indicative of someone who doesn’t want to get boxed in by a firm commitment. If he says, maybe we can get together sometime next week and doesn’t follow up, it’s vague and leaves you hoping to hear from him. An available guy will use affirmative language. He operates in the realm of “yes,” not “I guess.”
6. He makes specific plans.
A man who wants to ensure he is on your calendar and values your time will make specific plans. He will ask, “How about meeting at the museum next Friday evening and having dinner after?” If he doesn’t make plans with you, he risks the possibility that someone else will.
7. He invites you into his world.
As the relationship progresses, he starts to involve you in his world. He introduces you to people who are dear to him, as well as anyone you encounter when together. It’s a sign of respect and acknowledgement. You’re not standing there like a lost limb looking for its tree. You are the person he is dating, and he wants people to know it.
8. He talks about the future.
He wants to know what you want and if you’re interested in having a life that meshes with his, or if he can adapt to the parts of your life that are already fixed. He’ll ask questions like, “Do you see yourself staying here?” “Do you want kids?” “Are you okay with x or y?” A guy who is available and interested is curious about your compatibility as a couple and asks questions to that end.
9. He wants to please you.
A guy who really wants to know what you like is interested in keeping you around. He wants to give you pleasant memories so you have positive associations to being with him. He genuinely wants to know your preferences and takes pleasure in making you happy.
10. He leaves you with a smile.
The skin on our faces gets tense and tight when we’re edgy, concerned, or painfully yearning. It softens when we’re at ease, satisfied, and steady. A Youtube clip from a Sex and the City episode where the friend quad meets for lunch centers on Carrie’s relationship woes, and in response, Samantha offers up some wisdom, “As far as I’m concerned, the test of a good relationship is, are you like this or are you like this.” She demonstrates what one’s expression looks like when they’re in a bad relationship with a frown versus a good relationship where she smiles. Your friends can be a helpful mirror for that, so if you’re not sure, ask them.
Look for the Light
Sex and the City’s Miranda Hobbes points out that finding love can be a little like hailing a cab. She asserts that you have to find one with the light on before you stick your hand in the air. Her description of men suggests they only choose a woman when ready to have a family, regardless of whom the woman is.
And that’s why the sitcom has Charlotte to pipe up and say, “Hey, I refuse to believe that!” She represents the part of us who are idealistic romantics seeking true love.
These characters balance each other out so wonderfully. And each of them represent elements of truth in a bigger picture. One of those truths is that people are often looking for mind-bending, long-lasting love. And another truth is that they are more likely to find it when they are ready to accept (and endure) all realities which the long haul entails.
