Hello, Love
Published in

Hello, Love

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12 Things I Learned from My Last Breakup…

  1. There’s a right time to meet someone but there’s also, definitely, a wrong time. And, that is when you haven’t allowed enough time to heal from the last relationship.
  2. Fear of abandonment is a very common reason for self-sabotage and other behaviours that don’t serve us.
  3. Heartbreak causes us to put up walls / feel numb and subconsciously not let people close. The simple reason for this happening is that you’re not emotionally ready, yet.
  4. The quickest way to get over someone is to allow yourself to really feel the sadness of the grief of them not being in your life anymore. Hint, jumping back on the dating apps to help mask the pain only prolongs it and/or causes the pattern of break up to happen again.
  5. Anxiety is often a symptom of a deeper emotion (fear, shame, guilt, etc), and it’s our responsibility, and ours alone, to figure out what’s down there.
  6. Forgiveness of them and yourself is vital.
  7. As is acceptance. You may think you’ve accepted something but then later you realise you hadn’t. But, if you keep doing the work and give yourself time and space, you’ll know when you know (it takes longer than you think).
  8. Context is key. My ex cheated on me with her ex. Ultimately she was in control of her actions but if I take context into account I can kind of understand her running away. Outside of me, she had a tonne of uncertainty in her life and, on top of that, I wasn’t ready to meet her when I did. I also didn’t provide security for her emotions at the start because I was unknowingly dealing with my own shit. Can I forgive her self-sabotage, yes. Do I want to be someone or be with someone who isn’t emotionally intelligent enough to recognise patterns in their own behaviour and isn’t doing ‘the work’ to grow, no. Lesson learned.
  9. Heartbreak is a vital part of life. Even though it’s super hard, if you don’t run away from the pain it’s an amazing force for change. Listen to the pain and feel it peeps. The only way out is in.
  10. Time, space, and doing ‘the work’ of understanding how your emotions operate, that you're not your thoughts, and what your triggers are, are what is required for eventual true connection. Spoiler — your triggers are likely an incident (or trauma) in your past that is causing you to create patterns of sabotage in the present.
  11. Fear is the blocker of love.
  12. There really is only the present. Letting go and really trusting things will be okay is very hard to do and takes continual practice. But, it’s 100% true and ultimately we don’t control anything. The sooner that’s realised the freer and more fun life becomes.

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