4 Things You Need to Know Before You Marry Her
Marrying the wrong person will ruin your life. #4 Past dating history
So, you’ve decided to settle down, eh?
But, before you commit to her and sign your life away, make sure you’ve made the right choice.
Take this decision seriously — don’t act like you’re going to Walmart to buy Twinkies. If you get this wrong, every single day will feel like a prison.
Don’t be blinded by the promise of “happily ever after”. Take the emotion out of it.
Cut the noise. Be objective. This is serious stuff, my friend.
Marrying the wrong person is like buying a nice house, paying off the mortgage, and then watching your home burn to the ground, while the insurance is not paid up.
I’ve seen people I care about, end up in psych wards because they married the Devil’s spawn. They ignored all the “red flags” during courtship and paid for it…... big time.
And sometimes there’s no coming back from the damage to your mental and psychological well-being.
Unhappy marriages lead to:
- Feelings of misery and hopelessness about the future.
- Low self-worth.
- Thoughts about cheating.
- Financial ruin.
Minimize your risks by doing some good old-fashioned detective work.
Now that I’ve got your attention, here’s my marriage checklist.
1. Family Upbringing
Before you say, “I do” and keep your toothbrushes side by side in the bathroom, how much do you know about her upbringing?
This is important because our upbringing shapes our values, character traits, morals, and beliefs.
You have no control over how she was raised, but digging into her family background will help you better understand her.
For example, if she was raised in a home where her father yelled and was violent towards her mother, it suddenly makes sense why she suffers from poor self-esteem and gets emotionally triggered whenever you raise your voice.
Having similar backgrounds makes you more compatible because you share the same worldview. But having different backgrounds should not be a deal-breaker. It’s more about knowing who you’re dealing with.
In extreme cases, hire a private investigator to do a family background check if something smells very fishy. If you think her dad is El Chapo, paying a professional is warranted.
Some people’s backgrounds will follow you for the rest of your life.
2. Financial Compatibility
Money is a constant source of conflict in marriages. It can impact the quality of your relationship.
How financially compatible are you?
My uncle married a gold digger. He didn't mind the trophy wife when he was a high-flying corporate executive, traveling the world in a business corporate Jet. His wife shopped at high-end boutiques and demanded 5-star holidays around the world.
At the peak of his earning power, he got into a high-speed accident in his Ferrari F40. He’s now permanently paralyzed, and wheelchair-bound. He has a hole in his neck, and a tube in his windpipe, as a result, he can never work or speak again. To top it off, he never saved or invested a single penny.
After the accident, his wife continued ‘Living la Vida Loca’ and spent all the cash from the insurance payout. She left him once the cash was finished, and he moved in with his elderly parents.
My uncle's case is extreme, but people often don’t use the dating phase to learn about each other’s spending and savings habits. If you are frugal and are not fussed about designer clothes, while she likes fine dining every weekend and often buys a pair of Christian Louboutins, this could be an issue in the future.
Money “red flags” you should pay attention to:
- Mounting debts and credit cards.
- Long-term unpaid bills and fines.
- Regular gambling.
- Letters from debt collectors or bankruptcy declarations.
- Lack of savings history with no clear explanation.
Couples need shared perspectives on both big-money decisions and small ones. Transparency and communication about financial habits and long-term financial goals create trust.
3. Health History Check
You know her favorite TV show is “The Kardashians”, she has a scar on her butt from a childhood bike accident, and she loves the Dallas Cowboys. But do you know about her family’s history of cancer?
These conversations are often overlooked before couples decide to marry because they are invasive and uncomfortable.
Asking about hereditary diseases like Huntington’s disease, hemophilia, or sickle cell anemia that run in the family is important for knowing the potential health challenges and the health risks of your children.
A friend of mine, Drobbo (not his real name) found out the hard way. He married the “love of his life” in a beautiful countryside wedding ceremony.
After a year, they conceived a child with sickle cell anemia. He knew he had the sickle cell trait, but he didn’t think about asking her to also screen for the sickle cell gene.
The fact that both parents had the gene, meant they had a high risk of having a child with the disease.
Had he known she carried the gene, he may have felt differently, and they could have considered calling things off before investing so much into the relationship.
At best, they could have proceeded knowing the risks before evaluating their options.
Now, their life is a mess—endless trips to the hospital, mounting medical bills, and a strained relationship.
Things that raise “red flags” and require further investigation:
- Untreated addictions to prescription medications, drugs, or alcohol.
- Refusal to complete full STD screenings.
At the end of the day, people can hide things sometimes, but not all the time.
4. Past Dating History
“Leave the past where it belongs.”
You often hear this foolish advice all the time.
The past is a good predictor of future behavior. The key is not to have an unhealthy attachment to her past. Not everything about her past should bother you. Ask yourself whether some things from her past matter right now.
If you pay attention to everything you hear about the person you want to marry, you will miss out on a beautiful person. The exceptions to this rule are:
- Patterns of abusive and toxic behavior.
- Cheating on past partners.
- A high “body count”.
If She’s cheated once in a previous relationship, you need to understand the reasons for the infidelity and how she felt afterward.
Did she have regret or remorse?
Did she take any responsibility for her actions?
A one-time cheater is a bit like someone who has never had trouble with the law but gets a DUI one day. They are shocked by the experience and spend a night in jail. They recognize the severity of their actions and usually will never do it again.
But a serial cheater (someone who has cheated more than once) should be avoided at all costs because they usually never show any remorse or never look inwardly at the reasons they cheated; they always shift blame. They are likely to do it again.
Does her “body count” matter?
First, let me start by saying that you should never ask her what her “body count is”.
Why?
If she makes Rasputin sound like a virgin, you’re going to be mentally scarred. You won’t ever look at her the same way. You’re better off not knowing.
Now, if you somehow found out she has slept with an entire active NFL roster, what do you do?
It’s a no-brainer.
Cut her loose. End the relationship.
A promiscuous woman will have a hard time staying in a committed, monogamous relationship.
Sooner or later, she’ll crave the old times of variety. She’s a ticking time bomb waiting to explode in your face. If you play with fire, you get burnt.
If you care about “body count”, it’s your preference. Don’t let anybody shame you and tell you you’re “insecure”, it’s simply not true.
Wrapping Up
The courtship stage is the window you have to make sure everything checks out before you buy wedding suits and rings.
If you are not entirely sure about marrying her, trust your gut. At the very least, extend the engagement until you’re completely comfortable.
