5 Signs To Help You Recognize a Narcissistic Partner
“The louder the proclamation of sainthood, the bigger horns they’re hiding.”
— Steve Maraboli
We grow up believing in true love, romance, and fulfilling relationships. As we lead our lives, we encounter some people who contribute to that fantasy, some who alter it, and some who make you question its very existence. If you’ve had encounters with the third kind, you are probably still wondering what exactly you did that changed everything. The answer has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the narcissist you were dating.
The narcissist may not realize it, but they exhibit traits and repeat behaviors that act as flags for you to pick up on. Once you learn to read these signs, you will be able to quickly identify that you’re in an unhealthy relationship and start planning your exit strategy.
They were the partner of your dreams, initially.
“Nobody can be kinder than the narcissist while you react to life in his own terms.”
— Elizabeth Bowen, writer
Narcissists believe they’re special and deserve nothing but the best. If they choose to date someone, that person has to be special too. They start off by showering you with excessive love and affection, even if they’ve just known you for a very short period of time. If you’re standing too close, it may seem like everything is falling into place. However, this is a standard narcissistic strategy called “love-bombing” that is designed to reel you in.
Always remember: easy come, easy go. Real love takes time and effort, and does not come pre-packaged and in bulk.
You’re constantly praising them to keep them happy.
“If you want to go from being adored to devalued in the blink of an eye, simply insult the narcissist.”
— Tigress Luv, blogger
Once the love-bombing phase is over, things take a sharp left. The narcissistic partner will hog most of the conversation, and most of the conversation will be about themselves. If you try to change the topic, you’re in trouble. This is because narcissists value themselves above everyone else but at the same time, their ego is extremely fragile. They need the external validation and assurance that someone who is not themselves, worships them.
The second you stop validating their every breath, they start to panic. This is manifested in accusations such as “you don’t love me anymore”, “you don’t pay attention” and “you’re not attracted to me anymore”; automatically prompting you to resume your praising.
Your emotions are repeatedly invalidated.
“It is not love that should be depicted as blind, but self-love.”
— Voltaire
One of the most common complaints from victims of narcissistic abuse is how their partner never seemed to care. Every time that you try to share your feelings of sadness or anger, it will be met with indifference or boredom. The primary reason for their lack of empathy is because your feelings have no impact on them. The narcissist is so absorbed in self-love that they have no motivation to entertain love for anybody else.
There is evidence that narcissists are not incapable of empathy but are unwilling to empathize. This article goes into much more detail about the trait.
You think you’re going crazy.
“I know now that one of the characteristics of evil is its desire to confuse.”
— M. Scott Peck, writer
A hallmark quality of narcissists is their ability to alter your perception of reality. They spin a yarn, perform tricks, whisper a few secret words, and voila! they have you apologizing yet again. This kind of behavior is called gaslighting and is exhibited repeatedly until you reach a point where you’re constantly doubting your decisions and questioning yourself.
You will often wonder if you were being too sensitive and if it indeed was your fault after all. Your self-confidence will take a massive blow and you no longer trust in your sanity. Your constant self-doubt and demotivation feeds their ego and makes them powerful. They try to break you down in order to feel superior.
It is important to realize that no relationship is healthy if you have to walk on eggshells around your partner.
You’re going through a never-ending breakup.
“Love never dies a natural death…It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”
— Anais Nin
Eventually, a narcissist’s charm wears off. Their manipulative behavior takes a toll and you will be ready to leave for good. The moment you start to back away from them, they start to panic. Narcissists cannot handle abandonment because it is a sign that they are not desirable. Any time that reality indicates they are anything less than perfect, the narcissist will lash out; and it will be a performance to behold.
They will avenge their bruised ego and try to save face by bad-mouthing you to near and dear ones. They might start dating immediately after the breakup and publicize their new happy relationship where they do everything they refused to do with you. The ultimate goal is to make you feel like you made a mistake by letting them go.
Eventually, they may show up at your door and make a grand gesture about wanting you back. They will sing songs of change and personal growth but do not be convinced. If you have any doubts, scroll back up to point number one.
You will never fulfill them because they cannot fulfill themselves. Once you let them go, do not reestablish contact and do not offer them another chance to emotionally abuse you.
If you were or currently are in an abusive narcissistic relationship, get out and seek help. It is difficult but essential for you to get started on the healing process as soon as possible. Rebuild yourself with awareness, understanding, and self-love (the non-narcissistic kind).
