6 Things Couples Should Never Do Together

Relationships are hard enough. Spare yourself and ban these from life with your partner. Forever.

Look. Relationships are hard. Communication. Trust. Similar interests. Intimacy. Growing together. NOT growing together. In-laws. Decisions.
God help us, the never-ending, soul-sucking vortex of decisions. It’s
enough to make you reach for that third Aperol Spritz.

For all you valiant people out there in a committed relationship: I applaud you. Even when you absolutely adore the other person, shit gets tricky.

I’m no relationship sage (somewhere my exes just laughed out loud). But I’m here to tell you: there are certain things you should never do with your significant other. So many issues in life can’t be avoided. These can.

Grocery shopping

This activates my fight-or-flight response. Whhhyyyy do couples grocery shop together?? How many couples do I see bickering in Safeway rapt in honest-to-god conversation re: what brand of diced tomatoes to buy? If you never do one thing together again, please make it debating which Yoplait flavor to toss in the cart. Make a list, then ONE PERSON go to the store. My god.

Building a house

Oh I know, I know. Plenty of couples have built houses “successfully”. But
have they, really?? Or does Pam still secretly resent Maria that they went
with the slate gray backsplash? The amount of decisions alone warrants
an intensive talk-therapy package. Tiles, faucets, light fixtures. If you ONLY make it through the hell-wash of textiles, you deserve a trophy. Just buy a house. I promise, you’ll be happy enough.

Learning to ski

If I could only count the number of fights I’ve witnessed slopeside. Couples decked out in $700 outfits ready for thrill-sport bonding. The best intentions blow up like a wet fart. Woman crumpled mid-mountain. Man standing 20 yards downhill, gazing into the woods hoping a Scotch rocks might appear. It’s just a bad idea. Shell out the $200 for a lesson and thank me later. It’ll be the best money you’ve ever spent.

Painting a room

One person goes up down. The other side side. One paints floor to ceiling,
the other in sections. And god forbid you share the little paint tray. Umm, really? You’re gonna leave the roller globbed with that much paint??”
Back off, darling. Your ass left a drip-trail of “Mown Grass Green” across the foyer. For the love: hire painters. Go to the movies while your bedroom transforms in Muted Coral pink. Coming home will be like your own
HGTV episode.

Riding a tandem bike

If you’ve never experienced sheer terror before: try sitting on the back of a tandem bike. It’s the stuff nightmares are made of. You must relinquish any and all hope of survival to the person steering. And this doing an activity branded as whimsy. Even if you DEEPLY trust your partner, insist on two bikes. Save the bonding for something easier like childbirth.

Assembling IKEA furniture

Remove the 12 mid-sized screws and dowels from sachet. Insert one screw into all four corners of the flat pack panel. Secure with threaded prong. Look, if your relationship can make it through assembling a 2x4 Expedit Kallax shelf, you can make it through the zombie apocalypse. More broadly speaking, I’d say avoid IKEA altogether if you’d like your current relationship to continue.

Or better yet: toddle on down to the blue-and-yellow warehouse on a Saturday. Snake your way through the labyrinth of vases and patio tables, stand in a god-awful checkout line (perfect time to buy your sweetie a stale hot dog) then begin said assembly. Adios, baby!

There you have it. Six things you should never do as a couple. Doesn’t matter who you are:

Gay. Straight. Liberal. Conservative.

Just, no.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.