9 Things I Would Never Do to Please My Husband

Again.

Owned and created by me, the author, in Canva, with a bit of help from my kind assistant.

I sucked in my blubbery midsection and attempted to shield myself with our black satin sheets as the red blinking light atop our dresser sent shivers down my spine. The camera’s watchful eye stared expectantly, urging me to embrace my role in the sequel to Paris Hilton’s X-rated film debut. This was my time to perform, and the show was my husband’s to script, direct, and produce; I was merely an actor, playing my part.

When I signed up for the role of wife and mother, I didn’t realize being an unpaid adult film star in my husband’s risqué home movies was an unspoken job requirement. Yet, here I was with my muffin top and cellulite on full display, dressed in a slutty Halloween costume that tried to turn a believable cop into a sexy hooker and failed massively at both. I didn’t look sexy or authoritative; I looked exactly how I felt: embarrassed, degraded, and incredibly uncomfortable.

Bringing moral depravity to law enforcement for my husband’s idea of a fun* (*correction: awkward) date night was just one of the many requests I obliged to please my new master…I mean partner. However, I’ve been my husband’s slutty cop for the last time. If he expects me to engage in one more filmed escapade, he’ll have to pay me my hourly rate — and I won’t come cheap. Here are 9 things I will never do to please my…