A Feminine Insight into the Post-Modern Dating World

A sapiosexual woman’s guide to finding the right partner.

Photo courtesy: Author

“Affection is when you see someone’s strengths; love is when you accept someone’s flaws.”

People often tend to emulate cinematic ideals of love. I have never subscribed to any of that rom-com “Love at first sight’’ gibberish in my dating history. Honestly, never have I ever been sexually aroused just by looking at a Greek-Godesque male physique. I have heard many of my female friends discussing how they go weak at their knees just by checking out a ‘’hot’’ or a “cute’’ guy in a bar. Well, don’t get me wrong. Who passes on an opportunity to check out a physically attractive and well-built male (the so-called eye candies)? We, ladies, get visually stimulated too. However, that alone does not mean that my panties will drop onto the ground so fast that it will make a hole. My sapiosexual and demisexual self ensures that I travel a few extra miles on certain grounds before I start to feel those tingling sensations.

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder…

Physically attractive features have always been the benchmark for picking a mate (irrespective of gender) in the human world. This dates back to the primitive desire for a more robust and prettier genetic contribution to improve the offspring's survival. Moreover, the evolutionary notion that only physically stronger breeds could survive on the primitive, unruly earth (Survival of the fittest anyone?). So, a healthy physique became a gold standard for the concept of beauty. For thousands of years of Eurocentric civilization, certain specific beauty standards have become benchmarks. For instance, women have traditionally been judged according to their skin tone or their curviness. The beauty and fashion industries did everything to fuel this notion. The fear of rejection and low confidence through the years have washed many precious lives ashore.

Likewise, men find themselves being judged by “manly’’ parameters like height, voice tones, or physique. The very definition of true masculinity injected a strong dose of patriarchy into society. Millions of men go through pains and rejections daily due to their physical appearances not being enough ‘’masculine’’. Some deeply ingrained misconceptions of being regarded as an alpha male have become synonymous with hefty, rude, or unapologetic behavior. For decades, people have been eye washed by Westerns portraying cringe-worthy male-chauvinism. This entire dynamic has also polarized society, thus making it more sexist.

However, as a cisgender and heterosexual woman, I do have my eyes on men…

Let me admit, I do get sexually aroused by men and sometimes love a few ‘’manly’’ mannerisms too. I accept humbly that deep down, at my very core, I do appreciate some gender-based roles, especially during intimate times. Some of these roles are deeply ingrained in our society from an anthropological standpoint. Knowingly, or unknowingly, all those hunter-gatherer insecurities and gender roles persist there. I enjoy submitting in front of a male partner during our carnal adventures. I feel aroused and safe when stronger arms entwine me or when I rest my head on his hairy chest. I cherish being a femme during an exchange of primitive and raw-sexual energy. However, I don’t buy into the stereotypical idea that a man must flaunt his overblown chivalric attitude.

Conflicting? Is it?…

Are you flabbergasted by my conflicting self? Let me assure you that life should be perceived subjectively and contextually despite its initial apparent contradiction.

I appreciate a strong male ego only in the course of raw carnal desire. I love to seduce my man and make him drool for me. I have my own power dynamics with him, but that is entirely restricted to my primal existence. But outside my sexual realm, when there is nothing to do with me being a ‘’girl,’’ I love the idea of gender equality. I never judge my peer in light of gender or sexual orientation. Well, one can argue about gender roles in society being naturally selected. Yes, maybe. Gender roles were too stringent in the community, even centuries ago. However, for a cutting-edge, postmodern millennial like me, this idea of gender-specific notion seems mindless in the context of modern times. In 2021, a global revolution is surging to identify a human being without traditional gender stereotyping. So, instead of an ideal ‘’man,’’ what would a modern woman like me typically desire as crush-worthy qualities?

Everybody has their own set of priorities, so do I…

1. Intelligence:

As a sapiosexual, I find myself enticed towards an intelligent, often geeky, nerd. I love his knowledge and obsession with ‘’nerdy’’ stuff and adore the intellectual connection with him. A woman like me would appreciate a super analytical mind who can question the universe or the authority.

However, it might turn off the scenario if the person is arrogant and continuously shows off his credentials or IQ to belittle others.

2. Emotional strength:

Despite IQ being an attractive trait in a guy, EQ is the new superpower. I find it incredibly alluring if a guy shows genuine compassion and empathy towards others. An emotionally nourished human being is often a gem to live with.

However, he must not go overboard to make me feel dependent and clingy. It would be a total turn-off to deal with an emotionally melodramatic guy who nags continuously.

3. Communication:

I love to talk and share ideas. So for me, the guy needs to impress me just by talking. Be it a sexy flirt or a logical repartee, a person capable enough to express his mind and feelings is sexy. I love it if there is a judgment-free zone, where both the partners can share anything and everything without the fear of being judged. Furthermore, proper communication from a partner’s point of view exudes emotional maturity. So, communication is the key to any adult relationship.

However, nobody appreciates a mindless chatterbox though.

4. Liberal and inclusive:

I harbor strong liberal and inclusive views. So it goes without saying that I will fall for another liberal person who believes in diversity. Any conservativeness (be it religious or political) is an absolute dealbreaker. A woman like me would absolutely love a person who understands fundamental human rights and respects a healthy boundary.

5. A gastronome:

Let me come out and use this opportunity to address my inner foodie self. I am a huge foodie through and through, and I love my guy being another gastronome. I would love to take it further when he is a fellow culinarian. It’s always hot to see your man cooking for you. I would love to embark on a new culinary journey with him. Eating and cooking together creates happy memories and always leaves a certain sense of accomplishment. Food, being one of the necessities of survival, always finds a way to connect two human beings emotionally.

However, the absence of his culinary abilities wouldn’t be too much of a problem. He can be passionate about any common interests in general, be it an avid gamer or a voracious reader. I feel that these adventures together on common emotional grounds, his enthusiasm and willingness to make happy memories are enough to make me feel connected.

6. Sexual Compatibility:

I firmly believe that sexual compatibility is a significant factor, which is rarely discussed. There is hardly any correlation between an alluring look and him fulfilling the sexual fantasies. Sexual satisfaction emerges from the romantic alignment between the partners and proper communication between them. So, looks can often be deceptive. One can hit the jackpot with somebody who might appear somewhat less sexy at first glance! Let me reiterate that body types or shapes do not matter. I also feel that only carnal compatibility alone cannot guarantee a healthy relationship, but it is required in at least some dosage. Connecting on a similar emotional bandwidth is essential to establish that very carnal compatibility.

Don’t judge a book by its cover…

I’m sure many women out there think alike and may have their own lists and attributes to add. Most people chase after physical beauties. However, the key to sustaining a healthy relationship lies in hitting a similar emotional frequency. So from my experience and acquired wisdom, I list some simple philosophy:

• The fittest's phrase survival does not adhere to external physical strengths in the modern information age anymore. Knowledge and emotional strengths are the new currency.
• Emotional connection is the soul of any relationship. A set of shared values or a similar life philosophy often brings the two people on the same page.
• Compatibility on a few grounds is genuinely essential. Proper, judgment-free communication is the key to evaluate them.
• Nevertheless, no human being is perfect and cannot be custom-built. One can never find a person with all requirements. After all, he/she is a fellow human being, not a commodity for sale. In the long run, everybody needs to adjust somewhat and compromise to make the relationship work. And when there is love, everything works.
• Chasing after a “sexy” partner may be misleading. External features and beauties are not eternal and tend to fade as people age. On the contrary, the inner beauty of a human being should be celebrated. Instead of looking for a sexier physique, a sexier brain might be worth drooling for. And, if that hits a chord, Voila!