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Accepting People for Who They Are Will Change Your Life
Plus, it’s a better way to love them
I used to have an idea of what my family should be like. I’m not sure if I built this idea from fictional families in books I’d read or if I was influenced by the fictional families I saw on TV. I just had an impression of how things were supposed to be, and I kept being disappointed by the way things were.
As the progressive, liberal child of a conservative, religious family, I kept seeking a level of acceptance that just wasn’t going to happen. At the same time, I knew who they all were and kept expecting them to miraculously change. I wanted them to be as open-minded as I’d become, but that’s not a realistic expectation. It’s pure projection, and every “should” I conjured left me frustrated and disappointed.
I did the same in relationships. I had an idea of how things should be, and instead of accepting them as they were and making my decisions based on reality, I would hold on to the fantasy, hoping it would magically change the relationship to what I wanted. Hoping for people to change is similar to magical thinking because people don’t really do that — not without some personal, intrinsic motivation.
I had an impression of how things were supposed to be, and I kept being disappointed by the way things were.
Psychological acceptance is a game changer.
Research has shown that psychological acceptance can create the necessary conditions for personal development and change. When we have acceptance of the way things are, we’re better able to cope. Our resistance to reality is what prevents us from making true, lasting change. It can also keep us from seeing individual patterns and how best to break them.
When someone I loved broke up with me, I had to accept not only his decision but his right to make it. I didn’t try to change his mind. I didn’t beg him to stay and see my value. I didn’t try to convince him he was making a mistake. I accepted his choice even while my heart was breaking.
During the months I spent in trauma therapy, I learned to apply that level of acceptance outward. I might…
