An Innovative Approach to Dealing with Manipulation

In this culture, we often think of manipulation as an attempt to take advantage of others by controlling or influencing them unfairly, deceitfully, or unscrupulously. For example, parents sometimes worry that their children are manipulating them to stay up past their bedtime; “Please read just one more story, and then I promise I’ll go to sleep.” Teachers often worry that their students are manipulating them to get out of doing their work, or employers fearthat their employees are manipulating them to do less work or earn more money.

Did you notice what these situations have in common? In each case, the person with more power and privilege in a relationship worries that the person who is one down will manipulate them to get more for themselves. Rather than acknowledge the power differential in the relationship, we tend to treat manipulation as if it reveals severe character pathology and often overlook the interpersonal context. If you do an internet search for “manipulation,” you will find primarily warning signs that might indicate someone is trying to manipulate you and advice about creating “better boundaries” to protect yourself.

There is no doubt that manipulation can be a dangerous attempt to take something from you that you do not want to relinquish and don’t deserve to lose. However, that is not always the case. Manipulation can also be the only viable strategy for people who do not have access to more direct means to meet their needs. If we assume that every instance of manipulation is an attempt to control or take advantage of us, we will often miss the legitimate needs expressed indirectly in the form of manipulation. For example, younger children may not have the cognitive capacity to formulate their needs or desires in words to make a compelling case to their parents for staying up later. The child who pleads for one more song may be trying to take advantage of his parents, or he may be distressed about something and could use a little extra snuggle time to help him feel ready for sleep.

We essentially have two choices. The first option is to live our lives in a guarded way, anticipating that other people will try to take advantage of us and focusing on protecting ourselves by preventing other people from hurting us. This strategy will likely be effective in reducing how often you get hurt. The problem is that prioritizing self-protection allows others to control us and turn us into guarded and suspicious people. In addition, we all tend…