Being a Good Partner Is Knowing How to Apologize Properly
Four important things I wish I knew sooner.
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If you’re looking for a perfect, one-size-fits-all apology, then you’re out of luck. There isn’t one.
There are simply too many factors that need to be considered. They include the history between people, the context and weight of the problem, the environment and circumstances they’re in, differing backgrounds and life experiences, and many more.
Despite the intricacies of it all, the good news is that we can still generally tell apart a bad apology from a good one.
In other words, while there is no all-encompassing apology letter that you can copy and paste to say to your partner, there are certain elements of a good apology that you should implement in yours when the time comes.
With that said, a proper apology is a curated one that fits the dynamic between you and your partner. But it’s also equally important to know what makes a curated apology good.
It goes without saying that a good or bad apology can make or break the relationship.
So without further ado, here are four important things you need to remind yourself when apologizing — advice that I wished I knew sooner.
#1 — First, Let Go of the Ego
“Letting go of your ego opens the door to taking a new and creative course of action.” — Suzanne Mayo Frindt
First things first, for any genuine apology to work, you must let go of your ego.
What that means is that you need to let go of trying to be right in the conversation.
Sometimes, your ego can drive your emotions and thoughts without you even knowing it. So instead, make a conscious effort to practice empathy. Listen to what they’re saying, put yourself in their shoes, and try to imagine what they’re going through. Do not listen with an intent to reply, but listen with an intent to understand.
It is only then that you can even sincerely apologize because it comes from a place of understanding, love, and compassion.
And it’s only from this place that you‘ll be able to take the necessary steps to move forward and make the situation right.
#2 — Understand Intent vs. Impact
It doesn’t matter so much what your intentions were, but more about how your intentions impacted them.
While it’s true that your actions or words might have been well-intentioned, but if they tell you that they felt hurt by them, then you need to acknowledge that.
This is where letting go of your ego really helps. By keeping it in check, you won’t be tempted to be defensive or put your guard up. And instead of trying to make them understand where you’re coming from, you’ll be able to listen, reflect, and understand where they’re coming from.
By doing this, you’ll be to admit that you’ve made a mistake — and that mistake is not necessarily so much about what you did, but more of how your words and actions made them feel.
Again, this is not about who’s right and who’s wrong. This is how you’ve hurt them, not how they’ve hurt you.
#3 — Back-Up Your Words With Change
“An apology without change is just manipulation.” — Seira Monaee
It’s not enough to apologize and be over with it.
You must tell them what you’ll be doing forward — what steps are you going to do to change?
Properly apologizing to someone isn’t just saying you’re sorry and then moving on. It’s also taking the necessary steps to change the behaviors that have hurt them in the first place.
This is, without a doubt, the hardest part of this whole process. And precisely why people avoid it.
People tend to apologize and try to forget about it or move on from it as soon as possible. Why? Because it’s easy, and it requires no effort.
But they can avoid it all they want and pretend that everything is okay, that is until they make the same mistake again.
This why it is so important that change must follow after an apology. Without change, you’re far more likely to repeat the same mistake. And if you repeat them time and time again, it’ll make it clear as day that you weren’t apologizing, you were manipulating them to believe you were sorry.
At the end of the day, you can say all the right things at all the right times, but if you don’t back them up with your actions, then you’re not really up for change — you’re up for hurting them again.
4 — It’s Up to Them How to Accept It
Now that you’ve apologized, don’t expect them to feel good and dandy immediately.
You don’t get to dictate how much more time they need to process what has happened or how much time they should take to heal.
The weight of mistakes are in varying degrees, and it might affect them more than others. While it may not be so much of a big deal to you, it might be a really big deal for them.
If you take a minute to just think about it, making them get over it is really asking too much. You can’t ask someone to switch their feelings in an instant after feeling hurt. Allow them to process and sort out their feelings.
So instead of telling them to stop being mad at you, tell them that you understand if they’re still mad at you — and yes, even after a sincere apology.
It’s really up to them to trust you and accept your apology. And don’t even dare to try to force your apology onto them. That would be plain toxic, and that’s the wrong step to take if you want to create a healthy relationship with your partner.
Be Better, Together
Any long-term relationships are bound to run into some problems one way or another.
But don’t forget that that’s natural. No one’s perfect. And we’re all a work in progress.
The challenge is, however, to make sure that we nip the problems in the bud before it becomes too difficult and unmanageable. And more often than not, it requires a proper apology.
Remember that a proper apology is without the expectation that you will be forgiven. A proper apology only requires that you admit your mistake, acknowledge that you’ve hurt them, and back it up with change.
Then, it’s completely up to them whether or not they’ll accept it.
But by implementing these elements into your apology, you’ll be able to let take a really effective step to let your partner know that you care about them and that you’re someone they can trust.
It’s about improving the relationship and being better, together.
