Breaking Promises to a Toxic Person
I needed to break my word to him in order to keep a bigger commitment to myself.
By Ann Betz
I was sitting outside Starbucks with my soon to be ex-husband. He was infuriated I was leaving the marriage, and he knew just how to get me. Looking at me with cold eyes, he said “You promised. You made a vow. I guess your word means nothing to you.”
This was about 14 years ago but I remember the day clearly, probably because I thought about it endlessly until I found a way to resolve a huge dichotomy within myself. You see, like most targets of toxic abuse, I am high in “supertraits” (see link) such as loyalty, responsibility, forgiveness, honesty, etc. etc. I am not generally down with breaking promises or not keeping my word.
And yet, in this case, it had come to the point where it felt like him or me. It felt like I had tried every possible way to make the marriage work, but the truth was, I was more and more miserable every day. According to him I was the reason nothing worked in his life and I was getting very tired of bearing the brunt of his blame, anger and untreated depression (and yes, I tried to convince him to get help, to no avail).
And yet, I worried what would happen to him if I left. I felt like my love and care and…
