Do looks Matter — Flirtivate — Relationship Coaching and Consulting

Here we go. The question that triggers a lot of people. Actually, it’s not the question that triggers people; it’s the answer, depending on what side they stand on.

Do looks matter?

The Answer to “Do Looks Matter” Question

There are two sides to that coin.

One side is filled with guys who can’t approach girls or people in any way. They can’t talk to people, their vibe is creepy, their confidence is low, they don’t know how to flirt and they’re not congruent. Guys like these think that you can’t do anything to change and that they are just “unlucky”. Their ego is preventing them to admit that you can change if you work hard enough, so they go with the easy route and blame everything on looks. “I’m too ugly” — says an average-looking guy who is not ugly at all. You can also find guys like these every night out in the club just drinking their beers and staring at girls.

The other side is filled with guys who are good with girls; they know how to do everything the first side doesn’t. A lot of them are not physically attractive, but they have the right vibe and are the opposites of the guys from the first group.

So why do some guys have those attractive traits and confidence and some don’t?

I’ve seen a lot of good-looking guys who can’t talk to girls, who don’t display any of the attractive male traits, and have never had a girlfriend. And we are talking about above-average-looking guys, your typical “Josh.” Someone you would definitely think is a “player” when you see him, but when you talk to him, you realize that he is most definitely not. I have a friend who is in the top 5 physically attractive guys I have ever seen, and he lost his virginity when he was 21! Every girlfriend he ever had cheated on him with guys way uglier than him. Girls would drool all over him when they saw him from distance, but as soon as he started talking, they wished they were out of there. He has an anxious attachment type, is prone to jealousy and aggression. Not really attractive traits.

I’ve also seen a ton of ugly guys who display a lot of those attractive traits and are womanizers. These guys pulled girls who look like models — girls so out of their league, that when they entered a bar or a restaurant, other people kept staring at them because they just couldn’t believe that someone like him managed to bag a girl like that.

Why does this happen? Shouldn’t those ugly guys have no confidence and never have a girlfriend? Well… no! Read this blog if you want to know what girls are really attracted to, but let’s solve this “looks” question once and for all.

It’s Your Inner Values That Count

A lot of guys use the “looks” excuse to not do any approaches and to not try anything in their life, it sort of gives them subtle permission to be lazy. They think that they are too ugly and are waiting for that one chance with any girl that shows at least a little bit of interest in them. For them, it is all based on luck. What they don’t realize is that if they only tried approaching a bit, their dating life could be amazing — and that fear of being rejected is also projecting into their everyday life, making them less confident anywhere they go.

What makes a popular high school guy so well received and attractive? We’ve all watched teen movies (unfortunately) where there is always that “Chad” — a hugely popular guy who gets all of the girls and everyone wants to be like him. Of course, Hollywood movies always make them extremely attractive, but that’s only because it fits that narrative. It’s bullshit, but good for views. You’ve probably had those guys in your own high school as well. It’s not really complicated. Sure, some of them were good-looking, but not all of them. And that alone did not make them popular.

What made them popular was the way they carried themselves, the way they acted; those inner traits that make a man attractive, but here is the catch; what made them have those inner attractive traits are exactly their looks.

Looks are just the PERMISSION to act attractive. All of those handsome guys that you see have those same attractive traits and they can get away with them because of their good looks. They can get away with being loud; with teasing another person; with saying their boundaries loudly, and no one will give them shit because; “oh, that guy is good looking, he is allowed to act the way he does, he is just naturally attractive.”

Meanwhile, if an ugly guy starts being loud, starts teasing, starts setting his boundaries, he gets called out because: “Wait, this ugly guy is being dominant and acting high value? He is not allowed to do that.” I’ve seen a situation once in my college where an uglier guy stated his opinion, and the whole group attacked him telling him that he shouldn’t say his opinion because it sucks. Later on, a good-looking guy said basically the same thing and everyone agreed. A little extreme, but it goes to show just how hardcore this can get.

Hot guys and girls are automatically high value in other people’s eyes simply because of their looks, while an uglier guy or a girl has to earn that high value through their personality or competence.

That is the real truth of looks. They just give you permission to act attractive. Humans are naturally drawn to beauty; when someone is attractive, you instantly have a good opinion of them and you subtly try to suck up to them. Chads and Joshes of this world all know that they are good-looking so they just naturally have the confidence and they know that they can get away with acting attractive. People want to be their friends and hang around them. They have been getting compliments about their looks since they were in diapers, it’s logical that they are naturally confident!

When you are a small child and you say or do something and someone shuts you down; either tells you to lower your voice or that your opinion does not matter, you instantly stop doing that and it sticks with you. You think to yourself: “I shouldn’t do that, it is not allowed for me.”

That’s universal. Even good-looking guys who had parents that constantly belittled them had no confidence growing up. That’s why most ugly guys are often not confident; because when they were young and when they were loud and started saying their opinions, they instantly got shut down. In class, at home, anywhere. After that, they slowly grew a shell and became shy, quiet, and meek; it is a defense mechanism because no one will tell them to stop being shy and meek. People do not want you to “level up”. They want you to be exactly as you are. Physically attractive guys did not have that. Their peers never shut them up; they did the opposite, they showered them with compliments, so they just grew confident and knew that they can do anything which in turn gave them those attractive qualities!

ENTER: The frame.

Oh, the wonderful thing called “a frame.”

Now comes the good part. This is a part in which a guy, who is traditionally definitely not good-looking, has parents that were confident, charismatic, and extroverted. He, in turn, inherited and learned a lot of attractive qualities from them. When he starts growing up he always states his opinions, has boundaries, and is not afraid to be loud or tell people to leave him alone if they are annoying. But unlike with good-looking guys, he gets tested; someone tells him to shut up, or a group of people gangs up on him after he speaks up, in hopes of shutting him down because “who gave him permission to be confident?” A lot of guys don’t have the balls to continue with their frame and settle for that, so in time they lose that confidence and accept the fact that they are just not high value. Not this man though.

He doesn’t give a shit. Simple as that. His frame is so strongly developed that in his world, he is equally as good and cool as them and deems his opinions equal to theirs. His worldview is: “Why is that guy worth more than me? Just because he looks better? Hell no!” And no matter what they did could ever change that mindset. People like that are often hated by a lot of people, and mostly by people who are jealous because they are too afraid to act confident, but that unattractive guy isn’t. They want to be like that.

Because of that, slowly over time, other people noticed his confidence and wanted to be friends with him. He starts having more value, he is also a good student and has developed quite a name for himself. People know him, people like him, he is charismatic and people know that he is confident. He now has social proof and girls also notice that. Over time, he was showing a lot of those attractive traits — he was an alpha male. Because of those traits and his confidence, he is not afraid to speak up and talk to girls, and it’s only natural that he starts dating around and becomes good with girls. And a few years later, he becomes that guy that I use in my blogs as an example of an ugly guy who has confidence.

In the end, everything falls upon the frame of that person. If you agree with other people that your value is below theirs just because they look better, or that your opinions don’t matter, your confidence will slowly deteriorate and people will also look at you in that way. If, however, you think the opposite, you can do wonders. People will view you the same as you view yourself.

To Sum Up

Yes, looks matter a bit. Yes, they help. Good looks can make a lot of things easier for you. And quite frankly, there are some girls who won’t date an ugly guy. But why be with those types of women? However, in the majority of cases, they are not the most important thing. There are many ugly presidents and ugly people in important places in the world. There are also ugly people dating hot people. That’s why in a previous blog, I said that guys are lucky a bit because we can teach ourselves to be that high-value man and become attractive to women because they are not drawn to looks as much as they are to personality.

I have a lot of “Chad” friends around me. Some of my best guy friends are physically very attractive. I’ve had more girls than all of them. I have a better job than all of them. Why? Because, over the years, as a really skinny, pale, and overall not an attractive looking guy, I started working on my personality and my frame to the point of developing a serious disease called: “Not Giving a Fuckitis.” Plus, I know seduction to the core. They would get more attention than me because of their looks, but as soon as we were alone with the girls and started talking, I was the one who was more attractive. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve had girls say: “You’re not really my type physically, but there is just something about you…”

When I was younger, I was always a nice guy. People liked me, but that’s all. I was not polarizing, I was just “good.” They knew I wasn’t a threat. “Oh, he is just so nice and sweet” — would probably be what everyone thought of me a few years ago. I never stated my opinions and always agreed with theirs. I felt uncomfortable with conflict and didn’t want to step on any toes and I was a meek, nice, non-threatening guy. In high school, I opened up a bit because I started looking up ways of being more attractive; I wanted to change. I was still nice and non-threatening, but I was louder, I developed friendships with high-value people, I was hanging out with the cool crowd and that slowly allowed me to open up from my shell. Over time, I only grew more and more and now I am here. Because I have been there and I know what you have to do to become that “catch”.

That is why I get triggered so hard when I hear the looks excuse or see people give up because they think they are too ugly. Because I know from my own example that it is possible and because I have done things that those guys said they are too ugly to do.

Originally published at https://flirtivate.com