Fragile Masculinity and Hypermasculine Defenses

Why is the worst thing one man can say about another is that he is controlled by a woman, or more precisely, that he is controlled by his need for a woman? The reason is that in this culture, masculinity is defined more by what it is not, i.e., feminine, than by what it is, and anything that is defined primarily by what it is not is necessarily less well-developed, less mature, and more fragile.

Femininity in our culture is generally considered a birthright, something that young women inherit simply by virtue of being female. In contrast, many young men experience masculinity as something they have to earn and are then subject to being challenged at any time and must be defended at a moment’s notice. It has been said that womanhood happens to girls via a series of inevitable physical and biological changes.

In contrast, as Elizabeth Wilkerson wrote in her groundbreaking book Caste, “Real manhood is not a natural condition that comes about spontaneously through biological nature but rather is a precarious or artificial state that boys must win against powerful odds.” The rituals that mark young men’s transition to manhood often involve the administration of intense physical pain, sometimes to the point of torture, such as scarification or circumcision without anesthetic. Although many cultures have corresponding rituals of passage for young women, authentic femininity rarely involves tests or proofs of action or confrontations with dangerous foes.

For men, it can seem like a single act that is interpreted by the culture as feminine can undo a lifetime of hard work. Boys are often taught to feel uncertain and insecure about their masculinity, to feel that it is fragile and vulnerable, and that they need to suppress any stereotypically feminine aspect of themselves to prove to themselves and others that they are a man.

When a group of college students at two universities were asked how a man might lose his manhood, they answered with a series of social failures, such as losing their job. When asked how a woman might lose her womanhood, the same students gave biological explanations, such as having a sexchange operation or a hysterectomy. Research suggests that boys are punished more than girls for deviating from socialized gender roles. For example, some parents may be less worried about their daughter being too masculine if she plays with a truck than they are worried that their son is too feminine if he wants to play with dolls.