Fragile Masculinity and Hypermasculine Defenses

Why is the worst thing one man can say about another is that he is controlled by a woman, or more precisely, that he is controlled by his need for a woman? The reason is that in this culture, masculinity is defined more by what it is not, i.e., feminine, than by what it is, and anything that is defined primarily by what it is not is necessarily less well-developed, less mature, and more fragile.

Femininity in our culture is generally considered a birthright, something that young women inherit simply by virtue of being female. In contrast, many young men experience masculinity as something they have to earn and are then subject to being challenged at any time and must be defended at a moment’s notice. It has been said that womanhood happens to girls via a series of inevitable physical and biological changes.

In contrast, as Elizabeth Wilkerson wrote in her groundbreaking book Caste, “Real manhood is not a natural condition that comes about spontaneously through biological nature but rather is a precarious or artificial state that boys must win against powerful odds.” The rituals that mark young men’s transition to manhood often involve the administration of intense physical pain, sometimes to the point of torture, such as scarification or circumcision without anesthetic. Although many cultures have corresponding rituals of passage for young women, authentic femininity rarely involves tests or proofs of action or confrontations with dangerous foes.