Ghosted? How To Feel Better Fast in 10 Easy Steps

Ghosting and fizzle never feel good, but with the right approach you can move past the BS and get back to living your best life.

Meet someone new and soon you’re chatting late into the night, texting all day, and arguing playfully over names for your firstborn (or maybe that’s just me).

But just as you’ve tentatively allowed yourself to settle into your new romantic paradigm (as you nurse new hope for your future, maybe even telling your friends you think you’ve finally met someone) —

It comes crashing down. Not with a bang as you expected, of course — but a whimper.

But beyond your last texts (unread) or any socially acceptable explanation (unsaid)…

Being ghosted sucks for a lot of reasons.

Why Ghosting Is So Traumatic

According to clinician Dr. Jennice Vilhauer, being ghosted triggers the same neural pathways as physical pain.

But this isn’t the only reason that being ghosted is so damaging.

“Ghosting gives you no cue for how to react,” writes Vilhauer. “Social cues allow us to regulate our behavior accordingly, but ghosting deprives you of these cues and can create a sense of emotional dysregulation where you feel out of control.”

And as a dating coach, while it’s become much easier for me to spot the signs of a ghoster from the get-go — it still happens in my life. Which is what prompted me to write out my own emergency ghosted ritual.

So without further ado — here’s an emergency self-care ritual that I created recently after I realized that I had been ghosted… the nerve of him!

Step 1: Take a Tylenol.

It helps take the edge off more proactively than other substances.

Step 2: Grab a piece of paper. Write “LOL, I’ve been ghosted.”

Write it. Even if it doesn’t sound funny right now.

Calling it what it is — front and center — means taking ownership of the situation and is your quickest way out of the ick.

Step 3: It’s ok to feel bad. List all the reasons.

I gave myself bonus points (along with peanut M&Ms) for using emotion words because I know that the more expressive tools I wield, the more efficiently I’ll get to the root of the matter.

I often use this list to help get my creative juices flowing.

Step 4: Go back and review for hidden meaning

Here is one I came up with: “I’m lonely, therefore, I am alone, and while I’m at it, I’ll probably be alone forever.”

Step 5: Ask yourself if your last conclusion is 100% true (hint it rarely is).

I know it is unlikely that this will be the last romantic experience I have (or even the last time I’m on the receiving end of the fadeaway unless I’m strict about following my anti-fuccboi method. This is easier said than done though, because while it saves me from getting ghosted and other shitty outcomes, it isn’t always as much fun. Sue me, I’m human!)

Step 6: Come up with examples that prove the opposite.

It’s funny how when we’re hurting romantically we tend to forget about all the other people who love us, like our friends and family and pets.

Step 7: When you’re done, (safely) burn the paper.

This one’s my favorite because it’s a little dramatic. I also threw in a mantra: “It’s okay to feel disappointed right now because I trust the plan and I’m exactly where I need to be.”

Step 8: Take a savasana. Even 5 minutes will do. Breathe.

I like lying down on the floor in the kitchen but I’m house-sitting at my sister’s so I settled for the couch. Then I breathed. In for one. Out for two. In for two. Out for four. And so on.

Research shows that breathwork can release endorphins, regulate the autonomic nervous system, improve cognitive function, and decrease stress.

Step 9: Do/Clean/Cook something healthy and nice.

Personally speaking, the worst part of being ghosted is the feeling of powerlessness. Taking care of my body and my living space helps counteract that — I felt lazy, so I did some dishes and called it a day.

Step 10: Rinse And Repeat As Needed

And there you have it.

Remember this, darling: closure from another person is a myth.

Closure is a gift that only you can give yourself.

Hari (sounds like “Ari” with an “-H”) Bernstein is a classical musician by training, dating strategist by choice. She helps smart single people say no to situation-ICK and start loving their dating lives — with and without the plus-one. She’s also obsessed with solo travel, bread pudding, and all things poodles.

She’d love to see you in her free Facebook Group, The Swipe & Gripe Society.

You can also grab up her free dating guide, Mind Over Meet-Cute.