Hello, Heartbreak

A painful lesson in love.

Photo courtesy of Masaki Araya

I find solace quietly in the dark. The shadowy silence of the room magnifies the many missing pieces of my former self. There all at once, a heartbreaking realization became crystal clear while facing the music of my feelings. Love never looked at me and will never look at me the way I looked at love.

Emotions, most times, disappear without a trace leaving me with a calmly inviting and peaceful serenity. It hauntingly captures a monochromatic grayscaled blend of emptiness where butterflies and warm fuzzy feelings once dwelled. In its place at various volumes are humiliation and embarrassment behind the unnoticeably shattered smile on my face.

Other times, brief random pauses of disbelief flash before me as a reminder of their lack of time and effort on me in favor of some other person worthy of devoted attention. A slow loss of myself to memories of what we were has turned my emotional detachment into pain so devastatingly raw in its purest form, with overwhelming sorrow streaming down endlessly.

A repetitive cycle of a broken and disconnected body from the moment the eyes are open at dawn until they are closed wide shut at night presents itself each day. In between, a state of confusion devoid of confidence and self-esteem blurs senses, routines, movements, thoughts, and concentration.

What’s thought to be supported by a foundation of friendship turning out to be something else entirely is a hard pill to swallow. Perhaps it was a misinterpreted connection or an overlooked misunderstanding. The cold hard truth is that the reflection in the mirror reveals every negative, undesirable feature this face is already aware of as a magnet for disappointment through the eyes of others.

Love is seen in a different light with different eyes now. The rose-colored glasses removed from the broken heart’s view recognized a harsh reality. Life has chosen me to suffer through a lonely lifelong faith in love in irreparable, lifeless pieces. It forever changed what living and loving for me is supposed to be.