How Men Are Ruining Dating & Relationships
The usual disclaimers apply: It’s no one’s fault, it’s not all men, and society at large is a huge contributor. And, oh, I’m a man. But it’s all worth looking at.
The majority of us can agree that dating in the modern era is broken. People are absolutely fed up with each other. Women call men trash for fun, while men seethe and come up with 30,000 different ways to call women manipulative. It’s a strange, but sad state of affairs.
Men and women play a key role in why the dating market is garbage. But, is it anyone's fault? Not really.
If I had to blame something I’d point the finger at the culture of making constant comparisons on social media, the lack of communal engagement, wage stagnation and a society that values feelings and comfort over truth as some primary culprits.
But for this piece, I’d like to focus on how men are contributing to woes surrounding today’s dating market.
Unwillingness to Adapt
Men have yet to truly adapt to our modern socioeconomic condition. Women are simply doing more things than they ever have. You have to bring more value than simply existing and having a job. Yes, some of this “value” is inherently shallow, but a lot of it is highly reasonable. Men need to look at dating similar to a business that is a long term investment. The sooner you are able to accept and adapt to current market conditions, the better off you will be in the long run.
We live in a hyper capitalistic society where people are judged based on the value they bring to a select market. The landscape of our socioeconomic environment has shifted. Anyone with a pulse and sense of creativity can make money online doing just about anything. Woman want to participate in a litany of fields to a) not starve and go homeless and b) prove their own value in an economy that once shunned their desire to participate.
Essentially, the role of a woman looking for a traditional male who can only provide for her from a financial standpoint is dwindling. In today’s highly populated job market consisting of stagnant wages, the old social contract of a man working to provide for his stay at home wife and children are for the affluent.
Lack of standards and values for anything
Contrary to popular belief, dating is very transactional. When it boils down to it, there are trade offs based on the word I mentioned earlier — value. A problem I’ve noticed with many men is a lack of principles that are uniquely their own. Why is this? Because men were told who to be by media — which, contrary to popular belief, wasn’t some autonomous mute devoid of feelings. Men have been programmed to be idiots devoid of any passion or drive. Look at the way young men have been portrayed in media within the last 1–2 decades — from Chris Griffin, Bart Simpson and the boys from South Park to any character played by Adam Sandler. And sure, this isn't the only way men are portrayed. But, I’d make a strong case that men are often reflected as morons to the general public by our media and entrainment outlets. These characters are caricatures for the young men we see today — a group of people with no sense of purpose and direction. When people are devoid of drive and passion for creating a better life for themselves, they tend to lack fundamental principles, boundaries and values to live by. In accordance to relationships, when you have no standards or strong principles — you diminish any amount of value you bring to the dating market. A minute but hilarious example can be seen on Tinder. If you show tinder you have no standards regarding women by swiping right on anything with a pulse, they will literally shadow ban you — greatly reducing your chances of other people finding you.
Physical appearance
In our society, people are accustom to downplaying the importance of looks as an attempt to show that they aren’t shallow individuals. We are taught to verbally communicate that we prioritize internal characteristics over external features.
Internal characteristics are extremely important because they will add to the longevity of the investment known as your relationship. But we live in an age of visualization with an enormous emphasis appearance.
This is why residents in cookie-cutter neighborhoods will finish the façade of their home with brick while using cheap siding to finish the rest of their home’s exterior. This is arguably the main reason why people are consumers in the first place — to buy up stuff to make impressions.
But, Is placing an emphasis on your appearance shallow? Yes and no.
If all one cares about is the way something looks as opposed to its functionality then perhaps a reevaluation of priorities should be done.
However, valuing one’s appearance is an indicator one cares about themselves. When it comes to young men, I have observed a litany of instances where guys simply do not value how they look…like at all.
Now, I’m not implying men should show up to airports or run errands in Armani suits and Gucci loafers. I’m stating that the basics such as general hygiene, clothing and fitness need to be taken more serious.
Men must understand that valuing their own appearance can do more communicating than verbally talking with someone.
Continuously improving the state of your body communicates that you are healthy.
Wearing clothing tailored to your own style in accordance to your body type communicates self awareness and a sense of personality.
Getting a fresh haircut, following a solid skin care regiment, and appropriately applying a good cologne communicates routine and attention to detail.
When men take a subpar approach to caring for their personal appearance, they directly hurt the dating market by offering lesser versions of themselves. This gives many women more incentives to not take men seriously.
Lack of Community
Let’s toss dating and relationships to the side for a second. I’ve observed a phenomenon pertaining to middle aged men and younger.
The vast majority of men lack some sort of community that bonds them together. Many men spend a great deal of their free time alone. Men retreat to their bedrooms, man caves or anywhere a TV is present to escape — often to play video games and/or watch sports. During this time, men love to consume some sort of substance — typically alcohol or weed. It aids the escapism.
I believe men retreat to their bunkers to engage in this form of escapism to connect with other men in traditional methods. Men join first person shooter games to gloat, compete with other guys and feel a sense of heroism. Men tune into sports games to idolize other men competing against one another. Men will consume hours of YouTube self-help content as a means to become better men.
The issue with this form of modern day escapism is that it doesn’t allow men to physically participate in the real world. As a result, basic human skills such as communication and in person community bonding significantly suffer.
Community affords one the option to simply get out of the house and do more stuff. You are given opportunities to learn more about your local environment and discovering various hobbies and passions. A lot of men simply don’t do anything appealing in their free time. Women appreciate it when men have hobbies, interest and social connections. Its an attractive quality which illustrates that a person has a life.
Communities also afford men something they heavily lack today — an outlet. Men are likely to suppress their emotions resulting in a myriad of issues down the road. Having a supportive group can serve as an outlet for men to constructively navigate the issues they face from an emotional standpoint.
Instead, many men see the possibility of having a companion as the outlet and support they want. Men rush to the dating market to desperately find a partner that can serve as the “missing puzzle piece” to their unfulfilled lives. In reality, the woman often becomes the entire puzzle piece. Often, when men find themselves in relationships they become completely dependent on women for emotional support and the vast majority of social opportunities. This often puts women in a weird position where they feel as though they are dealing with needy boys as opposed to interacting with adult men.
Men must look within themselves and find out what they enjoy. Then seek out groups of like minded guys and form bonds and groups.
Lack of introspection
A lot of men fail to look at themselves and ask tough questions when it comes to dating and relationships. One of the first things men need to do is to genuinely ask themselves why they want to date in the first place. What benefits could a partner bring to my life? What attributes do I even want in a partner to begin with? A lot of men rush into dating without doing any evaluation of their wants and needs, or an honest assessment of their partner.
Upon evaluating partners, men can often place too much of an emphasis on beauty as opposed to looking at the full picture. As mentioned earlier, physical appearance is extremely important when it comes to dating and relationships — however, it isn’t everything.
A man can become prone to chasing a woman who is a 10 in looks, but would treat him like a 4, versus a woman who is a 7 in looks but would treat him like a 10. The ideal outcome in this case is understanding opportunity cost and placing an emphasis on other important mattes in a partner.
Lastly, a great deal of men spend their time chasing women who are head and shoulders out of their league as opposed to spending the time to put themselves into that woman’s league. I’m not saying men shouldn’t shoot their shot when its game time, however, some men would be better off shooting layups as opposed to 3 pointers. This takes honest self reflection, but it would put men in a better position to either make improvements or find women who would be more compatible.
Conclusion
Some of the things I’ve discussed can be applied to both men and women. However, from my experience as a man by interacting and observing other men, I believe these are some of the fundamental ways men are negatively impacting dating and relationships. In addition, I’d like to point out that this article does not apply to every single man in our society. I do believe a large number of men possess relatable attributes to the points that were discussed. Dating and relationships are just one form of a lifestyle people can choose as a means to bring something of value to their lives. Stay tuned for my reasons as to how women are messing up the dating market. Until next time.
